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T****'s Biggest Jan 6 Lie Revealed | Shrinkflation Isn't Fooling Consumers - YouTube
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WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
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LATE SHOW."
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I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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AND I--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).</i>
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YOU FEEL THAT?
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YOU FEEL THAT?
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THAT IS RAW, UNCUT, BLUE FLAKE
EXCITEMENT BECAUSE EVERYBODY
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KNOWS TOMORROW NIGHT, AT LONG
LAST, THE PUBLIC HEARINGS ON THE
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JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION WILL
FINALLY KICK OFF.
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THEY'LL BE BROADCAST HERE ON
CBS, AND AFTERWARD, "THE LATE
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SHOW" WILL BE LIVE!
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BOOM!
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SO TOMORROW NIGHT, TUNE IN TO
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WATCH ME TALK ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED, WHEN THEY WERE TALKING
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ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THE DAY
WE ALL SAID, "WHAT THE HELL JUST
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HAPPENED?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i>
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
TOMORROW NIGHT-- STARTING
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TOMORROW-- FOR TWO WEEKS, RIGHT?
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IT'S TWO WEEKS OF HEARINGS,
RIGHT?
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STARTING TOMORROW AND FOR TWO
WEEKS OF THESE PUBLIC
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HEARING,s
THIS IS A CRUCIAL OPPORTUNITY
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FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO LEARN
THE FULL DEPTH AND BREADTH OF
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THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MONTHS-
LONG, VIOLENT CONSPIRACY TO
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OVERTHROW A FREE ELECTION AND
REMAIN IN POWER.
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HANGING OVER THE HEARINGS IS ONE
QUESTION THAT COULD DEFINE THE
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FUTURE OF OUR REPUBLIC:
WHO CARES?
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>> THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF
DISTRACTIONS BEFORE THE AMERICAN
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PEOPLE, AND SO I THINK THAT THEY
NEED TO HEAR SOMETHING NEW,
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THINGS THAT THEY HAVEN'T HEARD
BEFORE.
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>> THEY JUST NEED TO FOCUS THE
PUBLIC'S ATTENTION ON IT.
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>> THEY HAVE TO GRIP THE
AMERICAN PUBLIC.
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>> THEY NEED TO MAKE THIS REALLY
A COMPELLING NARRATIVE.
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>> IT DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE
"TOP GUN."
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YOU WANT TO FIND THAT SWEET SPOT
IN THE MIDDLE.
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>> Stephen: YEAH, IT DOESN'T
HAVE TO LOOK LIKE "TOP GUN,"
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BUT JUST IN CASE, THEY'RE GOING
TO HAVE ADAM SCHIFF AND JAMIE
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RASKIN PLAY HOT SHIRTLESS
VOLLEYBALL.
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HE'S CUT.
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HE'S CUT.
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HERE'S THE THING: HEARINGS ONLY
MATTER IF PEOPLE ARE HEARING
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THEM, WHICH IS WHY WE AT
"THE LATE SHOW" HAVE PUT
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TOGETHER A PROMO GUARANTEED TO
PUT THE ASSES IN THE TV SEATS.
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JIM?
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>> THURSDAY, THURSDAY, THURSDAY!
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UNDER THE CAPITOL MEGADOME!
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IT'S THE HEARINGS ON JANUARY 6!
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6, 6, 6!
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A CONSTITUTION-CRUSHING LINEUP
OF INSURRECTIONIST MAYHEM,
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FEATURING EXPLOSIVE REVELATIONS
ABOUT THE WINE GREMLIN.
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THE OXY-OGRE.
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AND WHOEVER THE HELL THIS IS.
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BRING IN THE PAIN OF FORMER
PRESIDENT SCHMUCK-A-TSARS.
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NEED MORE TO MAKE YOU CARE ABOUT
THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY?
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HOW ABOUT THE THING YOU CRAVE
MOST?
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ANOTHER, EVEN SADDER SEASON OF
"THIS IS US."
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EVERY EPISODE IS A FUNERAL.
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♪ ♪ ♪
STILL WANT MORE?
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HOW ABOUT BOOBS?
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WITH $2 GAS.
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ONLY YOU CAN SAY DEMOCRACY LIKE
THE FOUNDERS INTENDED, BY
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WATCHING TV!
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>> Stephen: NOW, WE WILL LEARN
MORE--
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SURE.
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SEE PEOPLE ARE-- PEOPLE ARE
EXCITED, JON.
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WE WILL LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT TO
EXPECT FROM OUR GUEST TONIGHT,
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CALIFORNIA DEMOCRAT AND
COMMITTEE MEMBER ADAM SCHIFF.
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<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
IS IS GOING TO BE RIGHT OVER
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THERE TONIGHT.
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>> Jon: ADAM IS HERE.
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>> Stephen: HE'S ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT.
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THAT'S THE KIND OF SHOW WE RUN
HERE.
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HE'S GOING TO GREASE US WITH ALL
THE HOT. TREASON. GOSS.
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I REALLY HOPE HE DOES THAT.
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WE'RE ALSO GETTING MORE DETAILS
ABOUT THE EX-PRESIDENT'S PLANS
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FOR THAT TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE DAY.
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YOU MIGHT REMEMBER AT THE RALLY,
WHEN HE RILED UP THE MOB TO
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MARCH ON THE CAPITOL?
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>> WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN--
AND I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU--
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WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN.
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WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN.
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>> Stephen: OF COURSE, HE
DIDN'T.p<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
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OF ALL THE LIES HE HAS EVER
TOLD, NONE WAS MORE OBVIOUS THAN
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"I'M GOING FOR A WALK."
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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NOW, REMEMBER--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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♪ ♪ ♪
REMEMBER, THE PRESIDENT'S
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CRONIES HAVE CLAIMED OVER AND
OVER AGAIN FOR THE PAST 17
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MONTHS THAT THEY COULDN'T HAVE
PREDICTED WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN,
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THAT THE CROWD MARCHING ON THE
CAPITOL WAS JUST A SPONTANEOUS
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OUTBURST OF PATRIOTIC ZIP TIES
AND BODY ARMOR.
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BUT WE JUST LEARNED THAT IS JUST
AS BIG A LIE AS HIS OATH OF
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OFFICE, BECAUSE THE JANUARY 6
COMMITTEE HAS UNCOVERED THAT THE
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FORMER PRESIDENT PUT NEARLY TWO
WEEKS OF PERSISTENT PRESSURE ON
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THE SECRET SERVICE TO DEVISE A
PLAN FOR HIM TO JOIN HIS
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SUPPORTERS ON THE MARCH TO THE
CAPITOL.
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TWO WEEKS.
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SO HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS
DOING...
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( AUDIENCE BOOING )
IS A SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I
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WOULD SAY ABOUT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT.
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NOW, HE MAY BE PUTTING THAT--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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NOW HE MAY BE PUTTING THE
PRESSURE ON, BUT THE SECRET
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SERVICE SAID, "SORRY, YOU
CAN'T."
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BUT THEN, ON JANUARY 6, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT WENT ONSTAGE
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AND SAID "HEY, LET'S DO IT
ANYWAY."
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SO, THE SECRET SERVICE SCRAMBLED
TO LOOK INTO A MOTORCADE THAT
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WOULD ESCORT HIM TO THE CAPITOL,
BUT ULTIMATELY, SCUTTLED THE
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IDEA AS "UNTENABLE" AND
"UNSAFE"-- COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO
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THE SECRET SERVICE CODE NAMES
FOR DON JR. AND ERIC.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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I THINK THAT'S RIGHT, UNTENABLE
AND UNSAFE.
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IT'S TOO BAD.
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I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE HIM
STRUGGLE UP THE CAPITOL STEPS,
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BATTING AWAY COPS WITH A K.F.C.
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DRUMSTICK, ONLY TO TRY TO HEAVE
HIMSELF THROUGH THE WINDOW AND
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GET STUCK "WINNIE THE POOH"
STYLE.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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HANG SOME TEA TOWELS, PUT
SOMANTLERS ON IT.
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WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE ON THE
PLAGUE.
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NO, NOT THAT ONE, THE OTHER ONE.
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AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN THE
LATEST INSTALLMENT OF MY
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TWICE-RUNNING SEGMENT:
>> DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE
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MONKEYPOX.
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>> YOU GOT TO TELL THEM
MONKEYPOX IS PEOPLE!
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>> Stephen: UP TO THIS POINT,
EXPERTS HAVE REPEATEDLY SAID
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THAT THIS VIRUS CAN BE
TRANSMITTED BY CLOSE CONTACT,
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LIKE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.
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BUT NOW THEY'RE SAYING
MONKEYPOX CAN BE AIRBORNE, TOO.
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I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE
OF THE SCIENTISTS MAKING THE
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DISCOVERY.
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>> FLY!
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FLY!
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: THE FACT THAT
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MONKEYPOX CAN BE TRANSMITTED
THROUGH AEROSOLS MAKES IT
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SIMILAR TO THE CORONAVIRUS.
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NO, NO, NO!
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I CAN'T GO BACK TO LYSOL-ING ALL
MY MONKEYS.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IN HAPPIER NEWS, INFLATION.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
I DIDN'T SAY "HAPPY."
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I SAID HAPPIER THAN MONKEYPOX.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
UNDERSTANDABLY, PEOPLE ARE SICK
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OF PAYING HIGHER PRICES, SO
CORPORATE AMERICA HAS COME UP
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WITH A CLEVER SOLUTION: QUIETLY
SHRINKING PACKAGE SIZES WITHOUT
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LOWERING PRICES, IN A PHENOMENON
CALLED SHRINKFLATION.
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IN THEIR DEFENSE, CORPORATIONS
SAY, "THE WATER'S JUST VERY
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COLD."
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THESE MANUFACTURERS THINK THEY
CAN GET AWAY WITH IT, BECAUSE
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THEY ASSUME CUSTOMERS WILL
NOTICE PRICE INCREASES BUT WON'T
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KEEP TRACK OF SMALL DETAILS,
LIKE THE NUMBER OF SHEETS ON A
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ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.
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WELL, MAYBE PEOPLE WONT, BUT
THOSE DAMN BEARS SURE WILL!
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THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH RECTAL
HYGIENE!
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THEY TALK ABOUT IT AS A
"FAMILY!"
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IT'S UPSETTING TO WATCH!
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i>
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NOW, FOLGER'S-- I DON'T WANT TO
KNOW.
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I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
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DON'T DO IT IN THE WOODS!
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FOLGER'S COFFEE RECENTLY
DOWNSIZED ITS 51-OUNCE CONTAINER
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TO 43.5 OUNCES.
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( AUDIENCE BOOING )
>> Stephen: YEAH.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
EXPLAINS THEIR NEW JINGLE:
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♪ THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP
IS NOTHING IN YOUR CUP ♪.
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<i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i>
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>> Stephen: BUT-- BEAUTIFUL.
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BUT THE MOST TROUBLING CHANGE IS
THAT BAGS OF FRITOS SCOOPS
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MARKED "PARTY SIZE" USED TO BE
18 OUNCES, BUT NOW THEY ARE 15.5
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OUNCES.
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( AUDIENCE BOOING )
ET TU, FRITO?
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15.5 OUNCES ISN'T A PARTY.
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IT'S BARELY A GATHERING.
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WHEN I CRACK OPEN A
PARTY-SIZE BAG OF FRITOS, I DO
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THE RIGHT THING AND EAT THE
WHOLE DAMN BAG BY MYSELF
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
YEAH, YEAH!
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YEAH!
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THIS IS AMERICA.
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LAN
LAND OF THE
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FREE-TOS.
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BUT NOW, WITH THE SMALLER BAG,
I'LL BE 2.5 OUNCES SHORT OF
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TOTAL SHAME.
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SO I'LL HAVE TO OPEN UP A SECOND
BAG, AND THEN I'LL FINISH THAT
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ONE BECAUSE, AGAIN, FREEDOM.
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BUT NOW, AFTER TWO BAGS, 31
OUNCES OF FRITOS DEEP, I FEEL
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TERRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF.
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AND THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT
CAN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER: ANOTHER
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BAG OF FRITOS!
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THIS WAY LIES MADNESS.
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<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
AND ONION DIP.
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THEY THOUGHT WE WOULDN'T FIND
OUT!
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BUT WE DID!
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>> I KNEW IT WAS YOU, FRITO.
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>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
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MY GUESTS ARE CHIWETEL EJIOFOR,
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, FROM THE
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JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE
CONGRESSMAN ADAM SCHIFF.
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STICK AROUND.
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