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Trump Sends Stocks Tumbling With Hostage-Style Threat To Block Covid Stimulus Package Negotiations - YouTube
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>> Stephen: WELL, WELL, WELL!
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WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
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I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMENT,
WHEN DONALD TRUMP FIRST
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CONTRACTED THE CORONAVIRUS, I
THOUGHT THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,
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HE WOULD EMERGE FROM THIS
EXPERIENCE WITH A SHRED OF
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HUMILITY, BECAUS HONESTLY
NOTHING WOULD DISARM CRITICS
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MORE THAN IF HE STOOD UP AND
TOLD THE WORLD, "I WAS WRONG.
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I LEARNED MY LESSON, AND I
TRULY SYMPATHIZE WITH THE
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WHO HAVE BEEN GRAVELY ILL OR
LAST THEIR LIVES ON TO THIS
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PANDEMIC.
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I LEARNED MY LESSON, AND I
TRULY SYMPATHIZE WITH THE
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BUT I FORGOT ONE THING ABOUT
TRUMP: HE NEVER DOES THAT.
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HE NEVER CHANGES.
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HE'S A TEFLON TROUT.
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HE JUST SWIMS THROUGH ALL THE
NORMAL EXPERIENCES OF THE WORLD
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AND NOT A BARNACLE OF LEARNING
STICKS TO HIM.
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HE'S THE LEAST WISE PERSON IN
HISTORY.
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HE'S THE ANTI-SOLOMON.
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<i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"WHAT IF THIS TIME, WE SEWED TWO
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BABIES TOGETHER?"
THE STRAW THAT BROKE MY BRAIN'S
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BACK WAS HIS DRAMATIC RETURN
LAST NIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE
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FROM WALTER REED ON MARINE ONE.
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IT WAS TIMED SO IT COULD APPEAR
LIVE ON THE EVENING NEWS, AND
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EVERY BIT OF IT WAS PURE
STRONGMAN PROPAGANDA.
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HERE HE IS LEAVING THE HOSPITAL:
THERE YOU GO.
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PUMP YOUR FIST.
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AND THEN SLOWLY TAPPING THE
HANDRAIL. YOU'RE CONTAGIOUS.
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STOP TOUCHING IT.
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THEN BACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE,
RATHER THAN USE THE USUAL
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GROUND-LEVEL ENTRANCE, HE
CLIMBED UP THE STAIRS.
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ONLY DONALD TRUMP WOULD THINK
CLIMBING STAIRS IS A FEAT OF
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STRENGTH.
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<i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"NOW WATCH ME DRINK WATER WITH
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ONE HAND, AND FOR MY FINAL
TRICK, I WILL CLOSE THIS
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UMBRELLA.
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IT CAN'T BE DONE!
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HOW DID YOU DO IT, MARY POPINS!"
ONCE ON THE BALCONY, KIM JONG
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DON REMOVED HIS MASK.
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<i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"I'M BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL, AND
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JUST TO PUT ANY LINGERING DOUBTS
TO REST:
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I'VE LEARNED NOTHING.
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KNEEL BEFORE ME, YE WEAK AND
WITHERED, AND INHALE MY
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PRECIOUS DROPLETS!"
TRUMP WANTED THIS TO BE A SHOW
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OF STRENGTH, BUT MOMENTS AFTER
TAKING OFF HIS MASK, HE WAS
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CLEARLY STRUGGLING TO BREATHE.
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STILL, IT'S A STRONG LOOK.
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BECAUSE NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS
TO PEOPLE WHO ARE FAMOUS FOR
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THEIR BALCONIES: MUSSOLINI,
SADDAM, JULIET.
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IT WAS ALL STUPID, BUT HERE'S
THE STUPIDEST PART.
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AFTER LEAVING THE BALCONY AND
GOING INTO THE WHITE HOUSE, HE
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WENT BACK OUT AND WAS SEEN
RE-SHOOTING HIS ENTRANCE INTO
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THE WHITE HOUSE.
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YOU DON'T GET TO DO RE-SHOOTS OF
ACTUAL IMPORTANT MOMENTS.
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"OKAY, HONEY, I HAD THE LENS CAP
ON.
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HEY, DOC, CAN WE PUT THE BABY
BACK IN?
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GET A SHOEHORN.
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SORRY, DOCTORS, EVERYBODY, BACK
TO ONE!
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REMEMBER, YOU'RE IN PAIN, AND
PUSH!"
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IT'S MAGICAL.
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IT SEEMED LIKE THE WHOLE THING
WAS PROPAGANDA.
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AND IT REALLY SEEMED LIKE IT WAS
PROPAGANDA WHEN THEY RELEASED IT
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AS PROPAGANDA:
♪ ♪ ♪
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AS PROPAGANDA:
♪ ♪ ♪
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>> Stephen: GOOD GERBILS.
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NOT ONLY WAS THAT CAMPAIGN
PROPAGANDA, IT'S ALSO A TRAILER
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FOR THE UPCOMING MOVIE, "TRIUMPH
OF THE ILL."
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TRUMP COMING HOME AND TAKING OFF
THE MASK REALLY SENDS A BAD
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MESSAGE.
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IN FACT, THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN THE MESSAGE THIS SENT IS
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THE ACTUAL MESSAGE HE SENT:
>> I LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT
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CORONAVIRUS.
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AND ONE THING THAT'S FOR
CERTAIN, DON'T LET IT DOMINATE
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YOU.
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DON'T BE AFRAID OF IT.
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YOU'RE GONNA BEAT IT.
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>> Stephen: ONCE AGAIN, HE
LEARNS NOTHING.
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HE'S LIKE IF SCROOGE WOKE UP ON
CHRISTMAS MORNING AND SAID,
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"I'VE BEEN VISITED BY THREE
GHOSTS.
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pDON'T BE AFRAID OF THEM, FOLKS,
AND DON'T LET THEM DOMINATE YOU.
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I JUST PUT ON MY BOSE NOISE-
CANCELING HEADPHONES AND SLEPT
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LIKE A GIN-SOAKED BABY.
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THE POINT IS, I'M GOING TO
INFECT TINY TIM WITH
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CORONAVIRUS.
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SOMEBODY GET ME A GOOSE."
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HE'S GOING TO LICK THE GOOSE AND
GIVE IT TO THE KRACHET FAMILY.
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I THINK THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN.
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BUT TRUMP HAS GOOD REASON TO BE
POSITIVE ABOUT THE VIRUS.
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>> WE HAVE THE BEST MEDICAL
EQUIPMENT.
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WE HAVE THE BEST MEDICINES, ALL
DEVELOPED RECENTLY.
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>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"WE HAVE THE BEST MEDICINE.
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WE ALL HAVE EXPERIMENTAL
TREATMENTS THAT NOBODY ELSE HAS
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GOTTEN.
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WE ALL HAVE THE BEST HELICOPTER
TO FLY US TO AND FROM OUR
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PUBLICLY SUBSIDIZED MANSION THAT
ITSELF CONTAINS AN IN-HOME
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INTENSIVE CARE UNIT ITSELF.
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WE'RE DEFINITELY GONNA BEAT THIS
VIRUS.
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THAT'S WHAT WE ALL HAVE.
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NOT SURE ABOUT YOU ALL, THOUGH.
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WE ALL HAVE THAT."
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ONE OF THE REASONS TRUMP WAS
FEELING SO PEPPY IS THAT HE'S
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JACKED UP ON THE STEROID
DEXAMETHASONE.
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STEROIDS CAN MAKE YOU FEEL
INVINCIBLE.
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I'VE HAD THEM.
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YOU GO FROM "I CAN BARELY STAND
UP" TO "I'LL PUNCH A TIGER IN
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THE NUTS!"
WORK IT LIKE A SPEED BAG.
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OF COURSE, IT'S NOT THE FIRST
TIME A PRESIDENT HAS RETURNED TO
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THE WHITE HOUSE ON STEROIDS.
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EISENHOWER HAD A HEART ATTACK,
AND WHEN HE RETURNED TO THE
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WHITE HOUSE, HE LOOKED LIKE
THIS.
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IKE SMASH!
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ULTIMATELY, TRUMP HAD A SIMPLE
REPETITIVE MESSAGE FOR THE
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COUNTRY: GO OUT AND GET SOME
SICK.
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>> DON'T LET IT DOMINATE.
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DON'T LET IT TAKE OVER YOUR
LIVES.
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WE'RE GOING BACK, WE'RE GOING
BACK TO WORK.
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WE'RE GONNA BE OUT FRONT.
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AS YOUR LEADER, I HAD TO DO
THAT.
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I KNEW THERE'S DANGER TO IT, BUT
I HAD TO DO IT.
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I STOOD OUT FRONT.
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I LED.
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NOBODY THAT'S A LEADER WOULD NOT
DO WHAT I DID.
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AND I KNOW THERE'S A RISK,
THERE'S A DANGER, BUT THAT'S
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OKAY.
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AND NOW I'M BETTER, AND MAYBE
I'M IMMUNE.
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I DON'T KNOW.
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BUT DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOUR
LIVES.
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GET OUT THERE.
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BE CAREFUL.
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>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A MIXED
IT'S LIKE A FIRE MARSHALL
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SAYING, "DON'T LET THE FIRE
DOMINATE YOU.
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WALK DIRECTLY INTO THE FLAMES,
YOU COWARDS!
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BE CAREFUL."
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THEN TO REINFORCE HIS CALL TO
MAKE AMERICA A DEATH CULT AGAIN,
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TRUMP TWEETED, "FLU SEASON IS
COMING UP!
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MANY PEOPLE EVERY YEAR,
SOMETIMES OVER 100,000, AND
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DESPITE THE VACCINE, DIE FROM
THE FLU.
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ARE WE GOING TO CLOSE DOWN OUR
COUNTRY?
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NO, WE HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH
IT, JUST LIKE WE ARE LEARNING TO
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LIVE WITH COVID, IN MOST
POPULATIONS, FAR LESS LETHAL!"
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ADDING, "DON'T FEAR THE REAPER,
BABY.
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TAKE MY HAND.
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DON'T FEAR THE REAPER,
WE'LL BE ABLE TO FLY.
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BABY I'M YOUR MAN,
CORONA-NA-NA-NA."
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NEEDS MORE COW BELL.
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OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, WHAT YOU
WROTE WAS WRONG.
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HOW WRONG?
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IT WAS PULLED DOWN BY FACEBOOK.
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SECOND, YOU HAVE COVID, AND
YOU'RE TRYING TO CHANGE THE
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SUBJECT TO OTHER DISEASES.
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IT REMINDS ME OF THAT SCENE IN
"JAWS."
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>> THE FLU STILL KILLS MORE
PEOPLE A YEAR!
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>> Stephen: SO HOW DID THE
LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD CATCH A
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VIRUS THAT MOST AMERICANS HAVE
SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDED?
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IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THE WHITE
HOUSE'S PREVENTION STRATEGY--
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THEY DON'T HAVE ONE.
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INSTEAD OF USING PROVEN COVID
SAFETY MEASURES LIKE MASKS AND
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SOCIAL DISTANCING, THE WHITE
HOUSE USED A TEST WITH A 10% TO
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20% FALSE NEGATIVE RATE.
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TESTING ALONE DOESN'T STOP YOU
FROM GETTING THE VIRUS.
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THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "BABE,
SHOULD WE USE A CONDOM?"
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AND SHE SAID, "DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT.
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I TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST EVERY
MORNING, SO WE'RE GOING."
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THE PRESIDENT MUST BE FEELING
BETTER, OR AT LEAST FEELING
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MANIC, BECAUSE AFTER WEEKS OF
BACK AND FORTH WITH NANCY
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PELOSI, THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP
HALTED COVID-19 RELIEF TALKS
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UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.
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THAT MEANS NO ADDITIONAL
UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS FOR
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MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WHO ARE
OUT OF WORK.
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TRUMP'S DOCTORS MIGHT NOT BE
TELLING US ABOUT WHAT SIDE
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EFFECTS HE HAS FROM COVID-19
BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE: IT'S
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IT'S NOT AN ENLARGED HEART.
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COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT.
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WE'VE SEEN YOUR TAXES.
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YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE
BROKE.
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IN HIS TWEET ANNOUNCING HIS
ROID-ONOMICS PLAN, TRUMP
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PROMISED THAT "IMMEDIATELY AFTER
I WIN, WE WILL PASS A MAJOR
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STIMULUS BILL THAT FOCUSES ON
HARDWORKING AMERICANS AND SMALL
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BUSINESS."
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HE'S HOLDING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
HOSTAGE SO THEY'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
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THAT EXPLAINS HIS NEW CAMPAIGN
SIGNS: VOTE TRUMP AND NO ONE
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GETS HURT!
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ONLY ONE LITTLE PROBLEM WITH
THAT PLAN: HE'S NOT WINNING.
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IN THE LATEST CNN POLL, BIDEN
LEADS TRUMP BY 16 POINTS.
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<i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"I'M ALSO GOING TO HAVE A PLAN
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FOR COVID.
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RIGHT AFTER 'PEOPLE' MAGAZINE
NAMES ME THE 'SEXIEST MAN
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ALIVE'.
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I'M COMING FOR YOU
McCONAUGHEY."
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TRUMP TRIED TO REASSURE THE
NATION:
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"OUR ECONOMY IS DOING VERY WELL.
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THE STOCK MARKET IS AT RECORD
LEVELS, JOBS AND UNEMPLOYMENT
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DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
ALSO COMING BACK IN RECORD
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NUMBERS.
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WE ARE LEADING THE WORLD IN
ECONOMIC RECOVERY, AND THE BEST
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IS YET TO COME."
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THAT DIDN'T QUITE SOUND
ENTHUSIASTIC ENOUGH.
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KIMBERLY?
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>> THE BEST!
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IS YET!
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TO COME!
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>> Stephen: WELL, IT COULD NOT
GET ANY WORSE...
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IS WHAT I KEEP SAYING.
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WALL STREET SAW TRUMP'S TWEET
ABOUT HOW THEY'RE DOING AND
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IMMEDIATELY TUMBLED 600 POINTS.
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YES, THEY S&P'd THEMSELVES.
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NOW, AGREEING TO A STIMULUS
PACKAGE THIS CLOSE TO THE
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ELECTION WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE
TOUGH, BUT WITH HIS TWEET, TRUMP
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NOW OWNS THIS ISSUE.
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ONE TRUMP CAMPAIGN STAFF
MARVELED, "YOU HAVE TO TRY TO BE
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THIS POLITICALLY INEPT.
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WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WHITE
HOUSE?
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WHERE IS MARK MEADOWS?"
NOW, NO ONE HAS SEEN HIM.
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BUT THEY DID SPOT THIS FICUS
WITH LEGS RUNNING OUT OF THE
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WHITE HOUSE.
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TRUMP'S NOT THE ONLY ONE FEELING
UNDER THE WEATHER.
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AS A RESULT OF THE
ADMINISTRATION'S DISASTROUS LACK
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OF COVID SECURITY, AT LEAST 19
PEOPLE HAVE NOW TESTED POSITIVE
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WHO HAD BEEN IN RECENT CONTACT
WITH THE PRESIDENT OR ATTENDED
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WHITE HOUSE OR CAMPAIGN EVENTS.
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19 PEOPLE!
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TAKEN DOWN!
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THOSE ARE "JOHN WICK" NUMBERS.
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19 PEOPLE GOT CLOSE ENOUGH TO
TRUMP TO GET COVID.
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AND I WANT TO POINT OUT, NONE OF
THEM WERE HIS KIDS.
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THAT'S GOT TO HURT ERIC.
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<i> ( AS ERIC )</i>
"DAD, I'LL STILL TAKE A HUG!"
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AND EARLIER TODAY, THE PENTAGON
ANNOUNCED THAT THE JOINT CHIEFS
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OF STAFF ARE IN QUARANTINE AFTER
AN ADMIRAL TESTED POSITIVE FOR
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COVID-19.
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LUCKILY, IF A WAR BREAKS OUT,
THEY'RE ALL READY TO HANDLE IT
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OVER ZOOM.
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<i> ( AS GENERAL )</i>
"WAIT, I'M SORRY, WERE YOU ABOUT
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TO LAUNCH A MISSILE OR WAS I?
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NO?
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OKAY, YOU GO FIRST.
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WHO'S GOT THE LAUNCH CODES?
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YOU'RE ON MUTE!"
WHAT WITH THE PRESIDENT DANCING
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WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE
MOONLIGHT, IT'S EASY TO FORGET
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THAT HE'S TRYING TO DRAG THE
REST OF US TO HELL, TOO.
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CONSIDER THE SUPREME COURT,
WHERE HIS NEW NOMINEE WOULD GIVE
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CONSERVATIVES A 6-3 MAJORITY.
[656]
AND WE GOT A PREVIEW OF WHAT
THAT IMBALANCE MIGHT MEAN,
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THANKS TO SUPREME COURT JUSTICES
ALITO AND THOMAS, SEEN HERE
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NOTICING THAT WOMEN HAVE FULL
BODILY AUTONOMY.
[666]
YESTERDAY, THOMAS AND ALITO
ISSUED AN OPINION SUGGESTING THE
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SUPREME COURT COULD OVERTURN
SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.
[674]
WHAT?
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NO!
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NOT NOW, SUPREME COURT!
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WE'RE ALL A LITTLE BUSY WITH
THE-- ALL OF IT.
[679]
YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY GAY
WEDDINGS!
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BECAUSE NONE OF US CAN HAVE ANY
WEDDINGS RIGHT NOW.
[689]
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: ON MONDAY,
THE COURT DECLINED TO HEAR A
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CASE ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE, BUT
ALITO AND THOMAS USED IT AS AN
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OPPORTUNITY TO ATTACK THE 2015
DECISION LEGALIZING GAY
[695]
MARRIAGE, WRITING THAT IT LETS
THE GOVERNMENT "BRAND RELIGIOUS
[698]
ADHERENTS WHO BELIEVE THAT
MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN ONE MAN AND
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ONE WOMAN AS BIGOTS, MAKING
THEIR RELIGIOUS LIBERTY CONCERNS
[705]
THAT MUCH EASIER TO DISMISS."
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NOPE.
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WRONG.
[710]
THOSE PEOPLE CAN STILL BELIEVE
WHATEVER THEY WANT.
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THEY JUST CAN'T FORCE THOSE
BELIEFS ON OTHERS.
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I'M A CATHOLIC.
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I BELIEVE IN GIVING UP MEAT ON
FRIDAYS DURING LENT.
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THAT'S MY RIGHT.
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BUT IT DOES NOT GIVE ME THE
RIGHT TO GO INTO A TEXAS
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ROADHOUSE AND START KNOCKING
STEAKS OFF THE TABLES LIKE AN
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ANGRY CAT.
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AND I WANT TO!
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THEY ALREADY LET YOU THROW
PEANUT SHELLS ON THE DAMN FLOOR!
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WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
[735]
JERRY SEINFELD IS HERE.
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WON'T YOU STICK AROUND?
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