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Narcissists and double standards with money - YouTube
Channel: unknown
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hi everyone it's dr romini welcome back
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to this youtube channel on narcissism
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on this channel take on a whole host of
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issues related to understanding
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these really difficult toxic situations
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it's not always pleasant to hear about
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but it's my hope that this content
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will help you better understand the
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difficult toxic and narcissistic
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situations
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in which you find yourself now we've
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been taking on this issue of narcissists
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and money and taking on a whole host of
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issues because
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when it comes to narcissism money is
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probably one of the most
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wonky issues today we're going to talk a
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little bit about
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the narcissistic person's hypocrisy
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about money now the entire goal of this
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series is really to get to the core of
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some of the really complicated issues
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around money
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with narcissistic people because money
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is such a source of power and validation
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as you can imagine
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it can really become an uncomfortable
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space with narcissistic people
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so let's talk a little bit about this
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okay so you're
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pretty darn clear now that narcissistic
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people
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use money to control other people
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to get status to get validation
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to punish people and if they don't have
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it
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it sets off a vulnerable narcissistic
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cascade
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of sullenness victimization
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and rage and another
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really difficult theme around money
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especially in any kind of narcissistic
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relationship
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is there financial hypocrisy
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and double standards around
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money any of you who've ever been in a
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narcissistic relationship
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have noticed that there are definitely
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two sets of standards now what does that
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mean
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remember that hypocrisy is closely
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related to
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entitlement one set of rules for you
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one set of rules for me do as i say
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not as i do and it's a classical part of
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the narcissistic presentation
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and definitely plays a role in the
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financial piece
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the financial hypocrisy of narcissism
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is such that a narcissistic person
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will have no problem spending
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lots of money on themselves or for
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themselves
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but will become cruelly miserly
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when it comes to the basic needs of the
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people
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around them much as was laid out in the
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shaming series
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they will shame people for spending
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money on themselves wow
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you are selfish spending that much of
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your money
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on a new coat but they'll turn around
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and do it themselves
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in essence it does leave you wondering
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their shaming
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is very likely about envying
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what the other person is doing and that
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the other person is doing something that
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they want to do for themselves
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and possibly doing it better than the
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narcissistic person but the idea that
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someone else
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might be doing what they're doing it
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brings up all that inadequacy
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the two sets of rules around money for
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anyone with a narcissistic
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and entitled style one set for
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themselves and another set for all other
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people
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all of this makes money really
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complicated
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in any kind of narcissistic relationship
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in fact these kinds of hypocrisy-laden
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conversations about money are often what
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get
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people into the abyss of defend and
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explain
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and engage with narcissistic people the
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narcissist may
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shame or judge someone for purchasing
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something or spending money
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on a particular experience and will then
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turn around
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and do it on themselves and you will be
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sputtering and saying but
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and but they will find a way to make it
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seem
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as though their situation is truly
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different
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and heaven help you if you record them
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or put documentation of the hypocrisy
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back in their face they will then write
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you off
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as petty and sort of surveillancy and
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even paranoid
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for doing that remember the mantra of
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all narcissistic relationships
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in addition to that they won't change
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you can't win
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this hypocrisy about money brings in two
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of their themes
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their superficiality and their status
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seeking
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and their need for control the
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superficiality
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is obvious they need the things
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that signify their status whatever those
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may be
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cars clothes credentials
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experiences grown-up toys
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houses but that comes up against
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controlling
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almost always narcissistic people are
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very controlling around money
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and if you are in a relationship with
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them they will
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they will often control the access to
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money if you are in a
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family with them they may be controlling
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about money
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so they can spend with abandon or spend
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on anyone they want
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but everyone else may be judged for
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engaging
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in that spending this financial
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hypocrisy
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and the double standards also mean
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that they are the ones the narcissistic
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people are the ones
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who get to decide what is worth spending
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money
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on you may be in a family situation
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or an intimate relationship where there
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are some
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shared finances and perhaps want to have
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a collaborative
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decision about saving for something
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as a relation within your relationship
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or as a family
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maybe you want a house in a better
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school district that house may be
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smaller
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but it would be a significantly better
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education for your children
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or you might argue about school tuitions
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but any of this is at
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odds with what the narcissistic person
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wants for themselves
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and let's assume that they are the ones
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who have control
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over the money what will happen
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is that their spending will be labeled
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as selfish
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or stupid or will be judged
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contemptuously
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by the narcissistic person's more
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egocentric
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needs for the money one parent
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may be interested in trying to create
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better opportunities
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for their children the narcissistic
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parent
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might be more interested in getting a
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new car for themselves
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or living in a much bigger house and may
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turn around and frame and manipulate it
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as
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let the kids go to this other school who
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cares if it's not that good
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then hey our kids will be the smartest
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kids at that school
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or some other twisted rationalization
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that allows them to stay in the big
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house
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with the new car with little regard with
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how it's affecting
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other people in the system keep in mind
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that the self-righteous part of
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narcissism
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can result in them making no compromises
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around taking it and around it and
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taking a sort of simplistic view
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about it it's my money
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i earned it i can do whatever
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i want with it so they take a role
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if they earned it so sometimes earned
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can be a bit subjective but they have
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it's their money so then they can
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spend with abandon and yet they will
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criticize
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how other people spend the money that
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they themselves earned
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it's back to the you can't win waiting
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for them to sign off and approve of how
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you spend money or do anything else in
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your life
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is like waiting for a train that is
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never
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going to come this egocentricity about
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money
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can result in lots of inconsistency
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around it
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and then every so often to get supply
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the narcissistic person will engage in a
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generous
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flourish with their money confusing
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everyone who may now want to view the
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narcissistic person
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as generous but keep in mind
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that spending was self-serving getting
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them
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they were spending this money on other
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people to get them narcissistic supply
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not just to be generous to somebody else
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everything the narcissistic person does
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has to be viewed through the lens of how
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does it benefit them
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do as i say not as i do are words that
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narcissistic people
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live by there are two sets of rules on
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money can be extremely galling
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when it comes to a relationship and to
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be criticized for spending
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when you are in a relationship with
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someone who is spending it
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far more irresponsibly or selfishly
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can really be gaslighty and enraging
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remember in the narcissistic person's
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mindset
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everything is seen through only one
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point of view
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what works for them what gives them
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supply
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and what allows them to better regulate
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themselves
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your spending goals your needs
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your plans are completely irrelevant
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we know that in any kind of relationship
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that financial issues
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may be the most contentious and often
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destabilizing type of
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issue that there is in close
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relationships
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and likely cause the most relational
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disruption
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pay attention to these financial
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hypocrisys and double standards early on
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because they definitely show up early on
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if you aren't in agreement about money
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whether real and realistically or
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philosophically
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even early in a relationship you never
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will be
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especially if you are with someone whose
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attitude about money is that it's all
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about me
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and their and the way they approach
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money has massive blind spots
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but financial stuff again
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philosophically conversations about
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money with narcissistic folks early on
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will definitely show double standards
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and other red flags
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pay attention to those let me tell you
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when it comes to money sometimes that
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kind of rigid thinking rarely shifts
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and we know narcissism is an extremely
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rigid style thanks again
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