UNHhhh ep 171 - Security - YouTube

(upbeat disco music)

- Sorry, I dance.

(Katya laughing) (record scratches)

How long have you been doing drag?

- Oh, so, starting in 2005- (machines beeping, whirring)

It's two thousand...so it'd be like,

12 years.

- That's not 12 years. (alarm buzzing)

- It's not?

- Uh bitch, that's a lot more than 12 years.

2005? (Katya murmuring)

- 18 minus three is 14, (machines beeping)

plus two is 12 years.

(alarm buzzes)

I didn't go to (beep) school for math.

(both laughing)

- Okay, 15 years.

In five years, you'll have 20 years of Katya.

What does that celebration look like?

- That looks like a open-casket wake.

(organ music) (kazoos honking)

No, I'm not gonna have a party.

That's a death knell.

It's like, would you go door- - Nell?

- K-N. (folk music)

♪ Chickabee ♪

- Can you make fun of Nell?

'Cause there was nothing wrong with her.

She was just country.

- No, she wasn't.

She was, what's that, feral.

No, she was wild.

- And so am I. (both laughing)

I'm just wild and free.

Listen, you don't have to live in the country alone

to be wild.

- That's true.

- I live very comfortably in Los Angeles,

and I've gotten really wild. (Katya laughing)

Ooh! Ooh! - What's the wildest thing

you've ever done at home alone?

(confetti popping) (Katya laughing)

(beep) (classical music)

- There's two kinds of people.

My kind of people, and assholes.

Trixie Mattel.

- And I'm an asshole, Katya.

- And welcome to-

- [Both] UNHhhhhh.

- The show where we talk about whatever we want.

- 'Cause it's our show.

- And not yours.

- No, no. (Trixie snaps)

- Security.

- Security.

There's too many dicks in-

- There's a snake in my boot.

There's a colonial woman on the wing of the plane.

- Oh, churning butter.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah. - Churning butter.

(rock riff) (both moaning)

- And pose and pose and pose and pose.

(Katya blows)

(mysterious music) (Katya whooshing)

(Trixie gasps) (Katya laughs)

- Wait, try it again, hold on.

(snoring) (suspenseful music)

Intruder. Poison dart. (Trixie wails)

Security. - Security.

- Speaking of- (laughing)

- Secure, do you have home security?

- Never had it.

I shouldn't say this. (ominous music)

We never locked our door. (lock clicking)

- Do you think people are gonna go back in time

and rob you?

Why is that unsafe now?

- Because I still don't lock it.

- Oh no!

- I never locked my front door

for the first couple years.

So, come on in. - You know why?

'Cause you're worse than whatever

would walk in that door. - Exactly.

I'm the evil that you should be afraid of.

It's like, when bad meets evil.

- You're the person that people in your building

should be worried about.

And they live next door. - Yeah.

- The call is coming from inside the complex.

- It sure is.

And like, I've long wait-

I mean, I've fantasized about, you know,

a creepy stalker coming in,

and I come off, my head pops out of the sofa and I'm like,

yes? (creepy music)

(Trixie cackles)

How funny would that be? - And the person never robs.

They never rob again.

- No, they leave their knife. (blade swipes)

I add it to my collection.

Move on, the rest is history.

Yeah. - I have home security,

and here's what it is.

The house is armed.

It's like, alarms armed, blah blah blah,

whatever, the voice. (mysterious music)

And if the door opened, any of the doors,

the windows or doors of my house,

if you open them it goes,

bloop bloop. - Beep boop, yeah.

- And I lay in bed,

and that sound makes me afraid that like,

if I was in bed,

and I heard a bloop bloop, (alarm blooping)

(suspenseful music) (alarm blooping)

(Katya munching)

- Just corn on the cob.

(both laughing)

You're not getting burgled by the average robber.

Let me tell you that.

- Is it gonna be an inside job?

- That bloop bloop is not gonna cut it.

- Do you think it's my cleaning lady?

- No, I think it's gonna,

I think it's something,

an evil that is gonna be more insidious.

You know, somebody who's close to you,

maybe you don't see that often

when you're not working. - Well have you noticed-

- Somebody, probably a little older.

Wiry.

- Some of them with unpredictable history.

- Yeah, drops by unannounced,

when you're sleeping. - Well haven't you noticed

recently when you come over, you go,

"What's your new door code?"

And I go, "Call me, I'll buzz you in."

- Yeah. - I stopped telling you

the door code. - Yeah.

Oh I have it tattooed on my thigh.

You just keep changing it. - The old door code.

- Yeah. (laughing)

- I think I need a weapon.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- Think I should keep a weapon in the home?

- In every room. (blades swiping)

In every, I'm not joking.

- Let me move into an armory.

- No no no no no no no.

You keep it simple.

I've got a huge fishing knife.

- Is it near your bed? (sensual funk music)

- Bed stand, right in the drawer.

And in the bathroom, (blade swipes)

I got another knife.

Right in the second drawer on the right.

Just in case I gotta go in the bathroom.

You know what I mean?

Every room has a secret safety precaution.

- I have a bomb.

(Katya laughing) (record scratches)

A bomb pussy.

(bomb explodes) (cat meows)

And I could detonate that at any time.

And I could take the whole building down.

- Shrapnel in the dick?

- Shrapnel in the dick. (laughing)

- I played out this scenario

in many morbid fantastical, like, versions,

where I'm in my bed. (funk music)

In fact, I had a booty call over.

We were both naked,

totally nude under the covers,

having just fucked, right? (shark munches)

- Yeah. - And then,

a huge crashing noise (suspenseful music)

from the living room.

I was terrified.

Anyways, it was the vacuum on the wall.

- [Vacuum] Ow, ooh.

- It just fell off the wall.

- It just fell off the wall. - See,

shit like that is terrifying.

Had you met this man before?

- The one I was sleeping with? - Yeah.

- Of course not.

- That's what I'm saying.

That's the greater risk. (fire crackling)

- Oh my god.

Sleeping with the enemy. - That's the greater risk.

- Well, again.

A buck knife in the bed stand.

He doesn't know about that. - Whenever I've hooked up,

I do go, like,

should I have some slut friend that I text

where I send the address every time,

and tell 'em where I'm going?

- No no no.

Under the pillow, you have the Gom Jabbar.

Poison needle under the pillow.

Instant death. (whooshing)

(gagging)

- Or, (blowing)

- Exactly.

You have like, perched in the corner,

a small man on retainer. - Completely body painted.

- Yeah, except for one eye. - Yes.

- [Katya] Yeah. (blowing dart)

- And it's a poison dart,

and right as they cum,

it misses them and hits me,

and I die. (Katya laughing)

(odd gurgling)

She died doing what she loved.

- Yeah, getting poi- - Being railed

while an elderly warrior watched.

- What are y'all doin'? Screwin'?

- What about security, security!

At a night club, famous person.

- Oh god.

Has security at a night club ever helped anyone?

- Yes, me and you, I'll tell you when.

Picture it. - Brazil.

- Yes! (claps) - Oh, Brazil.

- Yes, yes. - I was gonna say Brazil.

Let's okay, let's be- - Okay.

- Okay this chair is the star.

- Okay.

- And then you and I are the security.

This is how you have to walk through a club in Brazil

if you're at all famous.

(cameras snapping)

- Guns, Uzis. - Guns, literally.

- Uzis. - Literally.

- Because the people are reaching

and grabbing and pulling. - For what?

- Screaming and crying. - The end game is unclear.

Do they want to,

are they gonna sell, like,

chunks of our flesh on ebay?

Do they want a memento for, like, dark magic?

We don't know.

Are they clothing insecure?

Do they need a-

They will snatch and grab anything they can.

- I was with my boyfriend when we first started dating,

and David was like, I'll go to DragCon with you, sure.

And I knew, if he saw me at DragCon,

he was think I was going to be...

He was going to think I was famous.

- Oh my god. - So before

we walk into DragCon, he's behind me,

and I grab his arm.

The security has my arm,

and I have to grab David's arm,

and they're about to open the door.

I go, "You ready to see some shit?"

(Katya laughing and clapping)

And the door opens, and we walk out,

and just screams. - Running-

- It was the sorority video.

(both yelling)

- Yeah yeah yeah.

- Now, if we ever got famous enough to get security,

I'll say this.

I think we should get someone

who is deadly as hell.

MMA Fighter? (crowd cheering)

I want De La Hoya. - Oh,

and they're always homophobic.

Perfect.

- They might even hit me. (smacking)

(Katya laughing)

I want someone where, like,

if I want to check out, too,

could you just blast me in the mouth, too?

- If you're afraid, everybody will be afraid.

Yeah yeah yeah.

I really, I just realized, (alarm buzzing)

I did a very exciting thing.

For security.

I went back to Boston

and had a safety deposit box

that I forgot, I lost the keys to.

It's been years. (eyes blinking)

I don't know what's in there.

But I had to sign the thing, (monkey cackling)

get it notarized in the bank.

Very official business, took forever.

And they have to drill, saw, (saw buzzing)

into the box.

What's in the box?

What's in the box? - Please tell me

what was in it. - What's in the box?

I don't know.

I'm Brad Pitt. - Wait, you never found out?

- I'm Brad Pitt in Seven. (audience groaning)

literally chewing my fingernails,

waiting for the news.

- So they're going to open it for you.

- Yeah, they're gonna get- - What do you actually

think is in there, money? (bills stacking)

- It could be anything from like, a bone,

to a stack of like, C notes,

to maybe some hair.

Human. (body thuds)

It could be literally anything.

- Paternity test. - It could be like a kilo of,

like, pure heroine. (suspenseful music)

I have no idea.

Yeah, I'm dying to find out.

It could be anything.

- How fun.

This is how bored you are.

You wrap yourself up in a self-made mystery,

just for the enjoyment. - I get embroiled

in light, long-form self harm scenarios

in order to have a little bit (fingers twinkling)

of a medium pay-off some day

down the line. - At some point.

- Yeah yeah, that could be absolutely nothing.

And meanwhile, drain my account of needless-

- Security. (whooshing)

You know, in the real world,

safe means like, I'm not gonna be harmed.

But on Drag Race,

safe means, (crowd cheering, dance music)

let's do it all again tomorrow!

- Yeah I know.

Well, I love it when people say,

"You can't drive through that neighborhood.

It's not safe."

Mama, you're in a death, fucking-

You're in literally a coffin on wheels in a car.

Driving anywhere is not safe. - It's like gay people.

What is safe sex when it's with strangers,

at their house?

- Oh, right. - I better put a condom on.

- [Katya] I don't think people say that anymore.

- Even though he could be Jack the fucking Ripper.

- Yeah. (ominous music)

He wore a condom.

I saw his face, but he had knives for arms.

- Glory hole. (glorious music)

- Ain't nothing glorious about that hole, mama.

(man screaming)

That's a shame pit. (bell dings)

Wait, why is it called Glory Hole?

What is the etymology of that?

We should name it something else like, like-

- Like, ooh, who is it?

- Like a who hole. (bubbles popping)

(both laughing)

- It's a who who hole. - Yeah.

- Who?

- Oh, and that's how if it's dark,

you get the guys to come through the hole.

You go, hoo. - Hoo.

- What about people who have glory holes

built in their homes?

- Well that's good because- - How do you hide that?

Do you disguise it like a cat door?

- Linens.

- I thought it was like,

someone has a closet that they drill a hole in the door

and then they're like, "Come in!"

And then they're in the closet (sensual music)

and they put their dick

in the closet. - It's not Claire Danes

in Homeland. - It's a she?

- Yeah, a curtain. - It's just-

So what if the sheet falls, then it's over you,

and then you're Mischa Barton.

- You say, "Oh no, what do we do now?"

Woo! - I let the sheet fall on me,

and then I, ooh. (people screaming)

- Yeah. - I'm gonna bottom

in a wig through a sheet.

That's gonna be the first time I have sex in drag.

They won't even know it's a drag queen.

- Oh my god. - I'm gonna do

the funniest TikTok.

- You should do a TikTok from the other side,

while you're getting raw-dogged through, like,

a Boll and Branch fucking like,

hanging sheet in your- (record scratch)

- Do we catfish with women's voices, though?

Like, get Alexa to be like-

Come on in.

I'm just making some lemonade.

Or I don't know.

That's "To Catch a Predator." (both laughing)

That's different, it's different.

- You want to catch a dick.

(laughing)

- Also, the glory hole,

how do you know what their height's gonna be?

Do you ask ahead of time?

- That's why you do- - 'Cause what if they're tall

and they're having to be like- - Oh, that's a good point.

Well, that's why you do,

you do like, it's like notches on a belt.

Just vertical- (holes popping)

- Sizing. - Yeah.

- You must be this tall.

- And then you Velcro and eye patch

to the one to cover 'em up. (horns blaring)

It's pretty easy. - Or you give em a step stool.

I think they would have to do like,

a Keith Haring body,

and like, crouch down, to get through the hole.

- What about this? (alarm buzzing)

Don't even let 'em in the house.

Doggy door.

- That's what I said! - Yeah.

- Use a real door.

The mail slot. (lively music)

- Oh, but then- (head slicing and thudding)

- The mail slot.

- You could get Marie Antoinette-d right in that thing,

those metal, you know what I mean?

- That's what you do when you have, like,

homophobic families coming to visit,

and you don't want them to know

that's your glory hole.

You're like, that's my mail slot.

- Right. - It's like, dick-sized.

- Oh, all your mail's in the shape of a large dong?

That's curious. (eggplant thuds)

- Yeah.

Quick tips for security. Go. (horn blaring)

- Okay, figuratively, nobody's safe, ever.

And when the push comes to shove, eat the rich.

- Everything you do on the internet is unsafe.

Just know that. - Yeah.

- And also, put your dick

in one of those cock cages.

Keep it safe. - Put it right in a cock cage.

- Put it in a cock cage.

It keeps you from getting hard,

but also, keeps it safe.

No one else is gonna come in there

and mess with your dick.

- Nobody's stealing that, yeah.

They're, yeah.

Oh god.

- Personal security. (bell dings)

- Yikes. (rock riff)

Secretly, do you know dehydration?

What a killer.

- It's a killer in this industry.

- Yeah. - Mama,

dehydration is a killer in this industry.

- Let me tell you about the colon.

50% of its whole function

is to absorb water before

the bowel will release the water.

- I walked inside and I looked

at everyone's colon in the room,

and I said, "Of all the colons in here,"

- [Both] "Who would be the three?"

(Katya laughing)