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We're Finally Going To Get Trump's Tax Returns - YouTube
Channel: unknown
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WELCOME UP THERE, DOWN THERE,
ALL AROUND THE WORLD, WELCOME,
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE'S EXCITEMENT.
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IT'S ELECTRIC IN THE AIR.
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IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN AMERICA
BECAUSE REMEMBER TRUMP'S THREAT
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FROM THE STATE OF THE UNION?
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>> IF THERE IS GOING TO BE PEACE
AND LEGISLATION, THERE CANNOT BE
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WAR AND INVESTIGATION.
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( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: WELL, BYE, BYE,
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PEACE BECAUSE, LESS THAN 24
HOURS AFTER BEING DIRECTLY
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THREATENED BY THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, HOUSE
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DEMOCRATS ANNOUNCED A NEW
INVESTIGATION INTO PRESIDENT
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TRUMP'S FOREIGN FINANCIAL
INTERESTS AND RUSSIA TIES.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT WORKED OUT.
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YES, TRUMP DREW A LINE IN THE
SAND, BUT YOU KNOW A GOOD WAY TO
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ERASE THAT?
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A BLUE WAVE.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
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♪ CAST ALSO IN THE SAND ♪
YESTERDAY, THE HOUSE
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INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE ANNOUNCED
A FIVE-POINT INVESTIGATION
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THAT'S GOING TO DIG DEEP INTO
RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE IN OUR
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POLITICAL SYSTEM.
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THEY ARE LOOKING INTO
EVERYTHING.
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AS ONE MEMBER OF THE COMMITTEE,
ERIC SWALWELL, PUT IT, "WE ARE
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GOING TO TAKE AN M.R.I. TO ANY
RUSSIAN FINANCING THAT THE TRUMP
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ORGANIZATION AND THE PRESIDENT
MAY HAVE HAD."
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(AS COMMITTEE MEMBER)
"YES, WE'RE TAKING AN M.R.I. TO
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THE FINANCES, A CAT SCAN TO THE
INAUGURAL COMMITTEE, AND, WE
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DIDN'T ASK FOR IT, BUT SOMEONE
ALREADY GAVE US A URINE SAMPLE."
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( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALLEGEDLY.
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WE DON'T KNOW.
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>> Jon: ALLEGEDLY.
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>> Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW.
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AND THEY'RE NOT JUST LOOKING AT
INTERFERENCE BY RUSSIA.
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SWALWELL EXPLAINED HE WAS
WORRIED OTHER COUNTRIES MAY HAVE
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TRIED TO INFLUENCE THE
PRESIDENT, SAYING "WE ARE NOT
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GOING TO BE SO NAIVE TO ASSUME
THAT TRUMP'S FAITHFUL TO THE
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RUSSIANS."
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WELL, COME ON!
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WHY WOULD TRUMP BE UNFAITHFUL TO
THE RUSSIANS?
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HE'S NOT MARRIED TO THEM.
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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OH, OH!
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AND IT'S NOT JUST THE
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE.
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THE HOUSE WAYS AND MEANS
COMMITTEE MET TODAY TO START
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BUILDING A CASE TO PURSUE
TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REMEMBER THOSE?
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DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE?
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>> Jon: I REMEMBER THAT!
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>> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH.
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WERE WE EVER SO YOUNG?
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( LAUGHTER )
WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO FIND OUT
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WHAT'S IN THEM!
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DID PUTIN CLAIM TRUMP AS A
DEPENDENT?
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( LAUGHTER )
DID TRUMP CHECK THE BOX TO
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DONATE $3 TO A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH?
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( LAUGHTER )
DID HE LIST HIS STATUS AS
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"MARRIED" OR "YEAH, BUT I'M NOT
DEAD"?
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( LAUGHTER )
AND IT'S GOING TO BE HARD FOR
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TRUMP TO STOP IT, BECAUSE IT
TURNS OUT THAT AN OBSCURE
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PROVISION IN THE FEDERAL TAX
CODE GIVES THE CHAIRMAN OF THE
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COMMITTEE UNILATERAL POWERS TO
REQUEST TAX INFORMATION ON ANY
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FILER, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES.
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>> Jon: THERE IT IS.
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>> Stephen: KEEP IN MIND, VERY
IMPORTANT --
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THAT'S AN "OBSCURE" PROVISION OF
THE FEDERAL TAX CODE-- UNLIKE
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THE PARTS WE ALL MEMORIZED IN
GRADE SCHOOL.
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HERE WE GO!
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(SINGING)
"IN...
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THE CASE OF AN INDIVIDUAL
THERE IS HEREBY IMPOSED FOR EACH
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TAXABLE YEAR A TAX EQUAL TO 3.8%
OF!"
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WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS SINGING WITH
ME?
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I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
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WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO --
>> Jon: I KNEW IT!
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>> Stephen: YOU KNOW ALL THE
SONGS!
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YOU CAN'T STUMP THE BAND.
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>> Jon: YOU SEE WHAT I'M
SAYING.
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>> Stephen: AND THAT'S NOT
ALL.
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ACCORDING TO ONE COMMITTEE AIDE,
"THE TAX RETURNS ARE ONLY ONE
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EVIDENTIARY PIECE OF THE LARGER
PUZZLE ABOUT TRUMP'S FINANCES."
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A LARGER PUZZLE?
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I DON'T CARE HOW LARGE IT IS.
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I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE PRETTY
EASY TO SOLVE.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
(AS TRUMP)
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"I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE,
PAT.
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IS IT 'WITCH HUNT'?"
( LAUGHTER )
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( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THE COMMITTEE MEMBERS ARE
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PROCEEDING WITH CAUTION TO AVOID
APPEARING PARTISAN.
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ONE MEMBER SAID, "THIS NEEDS TO
BE DONE METHODICALLY.
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THERE CANNOT BE AN OUNCE OF
'LET'S GO GET HIM.'"
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THAT'S VERY PRUDENT.
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ALSO, LET'S GO GET HIM!
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( LAUGHTER )
WE ARE WAY PAST AT T DECORUM HER
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GUYS!
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WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF A
BURNING BUILDING, YOU DON'T
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STOP AT THE DOOR TO SAY, "NO,
AFTER YOU.
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NO, AFTER YOU, I INSIST.
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OOPS!
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WE'RE DEAD."
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( LAUGHTER )
BUT THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE,
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BECAUSE TRUMP HAS TOLD HIS
TREASURY DEPARTMENT TO READY
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PLANS TO DRAG THE EXPECTED
DEMOCRATIC REQUEST OUT FOR
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MONTHS AND WELL INTO THE 2020
CAMPAIGN.
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WAIT, HE WANTS HIS TAXES
RELEASED DURING THE 2020
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CAMPAIGN?
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(AS TRUMP)
"I WANT THIS TO LAND RIGHT
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BEFORE THE ELECTION.
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I HATE THIS JOB.
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GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE."
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( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP IS NOT HAPPY.
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I CAN YO UNDERSTAND.
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>> Jon: IT'S A TOUGH JOB.
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LOT OF ACCUSATIONS.
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>> Stephen: TRUMP'S NOT HAPPY.
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YESTERDAY, HE COINED A NEW
CATCHPHRASE TO DESCRIBE THE
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INVESTIGATIONS.
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>> IT'S CALLED PRESIDENTIAL
HARASSMENT.
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>> STEPHEN: YES, PRESIDENTIAL
HARASSMENT.
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( AUDIENCE REACTS )
IT'S LIKE SEXUAL HARASSMENT,
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ONLY REPUBLICANS TAKE IT
SERIOUSLY.
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( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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AND, TODAY, HE SINGLED OUT HOUSE
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN
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AND MAN SEEING THE WARM BROWNIES
COME OUT OF THE OVEN, ADAM
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SCHIFF, TWEETING, "SO NOW
CONGRESSMAN ADAM SCHIFF
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ANNOUNCES, AFTER HAVING FOUND
ZERO RUSSIAN COLLUSION, THAT HE
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IS GOING TO BE LOOKING AT EVERY
ASPECT OF MY LIFE, BOTH
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FINANCIAL AND PERSONAL, EVEN
THOUGH THERE IS NO REASON TO BE
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DOING SO.
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NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!
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UNLIMITED PRESIDENTIAL
HARASSMENT, DOT DOT DOT DOT...
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...DOT DOT DOT DOT, THE DEMS AND
THEIR COMMITTEES ARE GOING
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'NUTS.'"
YES, THE DEMS ARE GOING "NUTS,"
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LOOKING INTO POSSIBLE "CRIMES"
THAT YOU DEFINITELY "DID."
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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( PIANO RIFF )
HE CONTINUED, "THE REPUBLICANS
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NEVER DID THIS TO PRESIDENT
OBAMA."
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HAVE BEEN YOU BEEN HUFFING THE
AQUANET?
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WE WERE ALL ALIVE THEN.
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NONE OF US WERE IN A COMA
ALL THEY DID WAS INVESTIGATE
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HIM!
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THE I.R.S., THE A.T.F, THE
A.C.A., SOLYNDRA, BENGHAZI,
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BENGHAZI, AND BENGHAZI.
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THE ONLY THING THEY DIDN'T
SUBPOENA IS HIS TAXES.
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CAN YOU GUESS WHY?
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HINT: HE RELEASED THEM!
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( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP HALLUCINATED FURTHER: "I
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HEAR OTHER COMMITTEE HEADS WILL
DO THE SAME THING.
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EVEN STEALING PEOPLE WHO WORK AT
WHITE HOUSE!"
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IS HE USING "STEALING" AS A VERB
OR AN ADJECTIVE?
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(AS TRUMP)
"THEY KEEP TAKING MY BEST
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'STEALING PEOPLE'.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET RICHER
WITHOUT MY BEST STEALING PEOPLE?
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YOU KNOW, MY THIEVING FRIENDS,
MY BURGLAR BUDDIES, MY
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CORRUPTION COMPADRES, MY
MONEY-LAUNDERING MUCHACHOS."
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( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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MOOCHO DINERO.
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TRUMP MIGHT BE LOOKING FOR
DIVINE INTERVENTION, BECAUSE
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THIS MORNING, HE SPOKE AT THE
NATIONAL PRAYER BREAKFAST.
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MAKES SENSE.
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THE ONLY THING TRUMP'S EVER
PRAYED FOR IS MORE BREAKFAST.
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( LAUGHTER )
IN THE VERY FIRST WORDS OF HIS
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SPEECH, TRUMP MADE A PROMISE.
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>> I WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN.
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I CAN SAY THAT.
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NEVER.
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>> STEPHEN: DID THE PRESIDENT
JUST RICK-ROLL THE PRAYER
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BREAKFAST?
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(AS TRUMP)
"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP
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NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN
NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND
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DESERT YOU.
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UNLESS YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH, THEN
I'M GONNA BOINK A PORN STAR."
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( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: REALLY?
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TOO FAR?
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REALLY?
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I'M SORRY.
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I APOLOGIZE.
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I DIDN'T REALIZE WE HAD SO MANY
PORN STARS HERE TONIGHT.
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( LAUGHTER )
THEN HE LISTED WHAT OUR NATION
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HAS ACHIEVED THROUGH THE POWER
OF PRAYER.
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>> SINCE THE FOUNDING OF OUR
NATION, MANY OF OUR GREATEST
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STRIDES FROM GAINING OUR
INDEPENDENCE TO ABOLITION OF
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CIVIL RIGHTS...
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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>> STEPHEN: ABOLITION OF CIVIL
RIGHTS?
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(AS TRUMP)
"OOPS, I ACCIDENTALLY READ NEXT
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YEAR'S SPEECH."
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( LAUGHTER )
HIS MOUTH ALSO SAID THIS --
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>> AMERICA'S POTENTIAL IS
UNLIMITED BECAUSE OUR
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EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE ARE JUST
SOMETHING THAT IS NUMBER
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ONE...NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO.
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( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: HE'S TALKING LIKE
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THEY SPUN HIM AROUND TEN TIMES,
PULLED THE BAG OFF HIS HEAD, AND
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PUSHED HIM ON STAGE.
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(AS TRUMP)
"AMERICA -- AND I MEAN THIS FROM
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THE BOTTOM OF IT -- AMERICA --
AMERICA ARE NUMBER ONE, WHEN
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THEY WENT THE JOURNEY, LOVE AND
FRIEND, AND I'LL SAY THAT TO
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ANYONE, WHERE AM I?"
( APPLAUSE )
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"THEN GAME MARCO -- MARCO --
MARCO.
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THANK YOU ."
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( APPLAUSE )
THEN CAME TRUMP'S LEAST FAVORITE
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PART OF ANY SPEECH, TALKING
ABOUT PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO
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AREN'T HIM.
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>> THIS SATURDAY, PASTOR BRUNSON
WILL WALK HIS DAUGHTER DOWN THE
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AISLE.
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WOW, THIS IS GREAT,
CONGRATULATIONS.
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>> STEPHEN: HIS SPEECH JUST
BROKE NEWS TO HIMSELF.
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( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP)
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"AS YOUR PRESIDENT-- AM I STILL
PRESIDENT?
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WOW, THAT LASTED LONGER THAN I
THOUGHT.
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MUELLER HASN'T GOT ME YET?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
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CHRIS PRATT IS HERE!
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BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I SHARE MY
MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.
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STICK AROUND!
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