馃攳
Prosecutors Obtain Millions of Pages of Trump鈥檚 Tax Records | The Tonight Show - YouTube
Channel: The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
[0]
-Thank you so much, everyone.
[2]
Welcome, welcome, welcome,
welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
[5]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[10]
Well, guys, the big story today
[12]
is that following this week's
Supreme Court ruling,
[15]
Trump was forced to turn over
[16]
millions of pages
of his tax records
[19]
to the Manhattan
District Attorney's Office.
[22]
Millions of pages, yeah.
[23]
The only place
you'll find more ink
[25]
is Rudy Giuliani's sideburns.
[28]
I feel bad for whoever's
second in line
[30]
to use the copier
in that office.
[32]
Like, "Uh, how long
you going to be?"
[34]
Like, "Oh, shouldn't be --
There's only like 100,000 more.
[38]
Double sided, so maybe go get
a frappuccino and come back."
[43]
But this really is big news
because after they thoroughly
[46]
go through each document,
[48]
Trump could be charged
around the year 3000.
[53]
You can tell that they're
Trump's real tax returns because
[56]
under total loss, he still
didn't declare the election.
[59]
[ Laughter ]
[61]
[ Applause ]
[63]
We're having a good time.
[66]
Speaking of Trump, President
Biden's been in an office
[69]
just over a month,
and people have noticed
[70]
that he never calls Trump
by name.
[73]
He'll call him "the former guy"
[74]
or mention
"the previous administration."
[76]
I mean, he's even called him
things like --
[78]
-Oh, here we go.
[81]
-Tariq? What's up?
-Let me guess.
[84]
Now you're going to do a silly
bit where you list a bunch
[88]
of funny "nicknames"
that Biden called Trump.
[92]
-I mean, yeah, that was --
that was the plan.
[95]
-And each joke
will pop up as a graphic
[98]
so everyone can see it
and "laugh" about it.
[101]
[ Laughter ]
[104]
-Right, right.
Jokes work better
[106]
when there's
a visual component, sure.
[107]
-It's all so predictable.
[110]
Like, the graphic will be
a photo of Biden and Trump,
[113]
and then under Trump,
you'll list names like
[116]
LL Coup J...
[117]
[ Laughter ]
[119]
...or One Term-inator...
[122]
-Uh-huh.
[123]
-...or, uh, Don Jr. Sr.
[127]
Or, uh, Princess Impeached.
[131]
Or something like "only guy
on Myspace right now."
[135]
And then you'll close
with something
[137]
a little more risqu茅 like...
YMCA-Hole.
[141]
[ Laughter ]
[144]
Is --
[145]
[ Applause ]
[147]
Is that how this is gonna go?
[150]
-Yeah, you -- you nailed it.
[152]
-Yeah, seems like a fun bit.
You should do it.
[155]
-Great.
Well, we'll do it tomorrow.
[157]
-Can't wait.
[159]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[162]
-Well, this is crazy.
[164]
On a recent flight
from Cincinnati to Phoenix,
[166]
a pilot noticed something
strange in the air.
[169]
Listen to this.
[170]
-An American Airlines pilot
radios in
[173]
a mid-flight close encounter
with an apparent UFO.
[184]
-That's right.
It could be a possible UFO.
[188]
Yeah, aliens were looking
for intelligent life,
[190]
and they didn't find any
on an American Airlines flight
[193]
during a pandemic.
[195]
[ Laughter ]
[196]
[ Applause ]
[201]
I love UFO sightings.
It's like...
[203]
"That could be an alien!
Or a Domino's delivery drone."
[208]
When they heard, United
was like, "Sorry. Our bad.
[211]
That was our plane.
The wings just fell off."
[213]
[ Laughter ]
[217]
Hey, listen to this.
The CDC just found out
[220]
that gyms with maskless users
[222]
are considered to be high-risk
for the spread of COVID.
[227]
Yep, the report also found
that people running
[230]
on the train tracks are more
likely to get hit by a subway.
[233]
[ Laughter ]
[235]
[ Applause ]
[239]
Americans are like, "Really?
'Cause I was about to go
[242]
to Planet Fitness
and lick the elliptical!
[244]
Is that okay?
[245]
[ Laughter ]
[247]
I use the bicycle seat
as a face mask!
[249]
Is that okay?!
[250]
[ Laughter ]
[253]
I found this towel!
Can I eat it?!
[255]
Is that okay?!
Can I eat the towel?!"
[260]
Get sued by Brian Regan.
[262]
Yeah, the CDC says
people must wear masks
[265]
and put at least 20% more effort
[267]
into pretending to wipe down
the machines.
[270]
That's right.
Gyms with maskless users
[272]
are at high-risk
for spread of COVID.
[274]
And they're not the only
risky places. Watch this.
[277]
-Well, new this morning,
CDC researchers say masks
[280]
may be key particularly
[282]
to stopping the spread
of COVID-19 at gyms.
[285]
Masks are also key in stopping
the spread of COVID
[287]
at the following places.
[300]
-Oh, come on, now!
[302]
Fyre Festival 2?
[304]
I got tickets to that!
[307]
"Hot breath" competition!
That's...
[311]
Some entertainment news.
[313]
In a three-hour event yesterday,
Paramount Plus revealed
[315]
all the content
that will be available
[317]
on the new streaming service
next month.
[320]
People are already calling it
the best streaming service
[322]
next to Netflix, Hulu, Apple TV,
HBO Max, Disney Plus,
[326]
Discovery Plus, ESPN Plus,
Amazon, and Peacock.
[330]
Soon people
are going to be searching
[331]
through 20 streaming platforms
and go,
[333]
"I wish they'd invent something
where you could find
[335]
all these shows in one place,
and they should call it cable."
[338]
[ Laughter ]
[341]
But the big Paramount Plus show
that everyone's talking about
[344]
is the "Frasier" reboot
with Kelsey Grammer.
[346]
Yep, they want
to attract young viewers,
[348]
so, naturally,
they rebooted a show
[351]
about a 70-year-old therapist.
[353]
I wonder if Kelsey Grammer's
agent was like...
[357]
-[ Fingers snap ]
-"I got it!
[358]
You could be Frasier again."
[360]
[ Laughter ]
[365]
"Morty, you son of a bitch.
[367]
You did it again."
[369]
[ Laughter ]
[371]
Listen to this.
Hasbro is trying to be
[373]
more inclusive
by dropping the "Mister"
[376]
from its Mr. Potato Head
brand name.
[380]
Yep, it's just going to be
called Potato Head.
[382]
[ Laughter ]
[385]
I haven't checked, but
I'm pretty sure Tucker Carlson
[388]
has spent the last 12 hours
foaming at the mouth.
[391]
[ Laughter ]
[394]
By the way, if the new Potato
Head kneels during the anthem,
[397]
every person on Fox News
is going to explode.
[399]
That's just the way...
[400]
Meanwhile, conservatives
are already striking back
[402]
by releasing
a Slinky with a penis.
[405]
[ Laughter ]
[407]
[ Applause ]
[411]
Some news from overseas
in England.
[413]
There are reports
of counterfeit wine bottles.
[415]
Listen to this.
[417]
-Cheap-wine lovers
are the target of a scam.
[419]
Someone is mass-producing
counterfeit Yellow Tail wine.
[422]
-Victims report that the color
and that taste were off.
[424]
The maker of Yellow Tail wines
[426]
confirmed that the bottles
were indeed rip-offs.
[429]
-Who's counterfeiting
Yellow Tail?
[431]
[ Laughter ]
[433]
The Yellow Tail people were
like, "We're so upset here,
[435]
because we know our wine
is far superior
[437]
thanks to our 30-minute
aging process."
[440]
-[ Laughter ]
-Get this.
[443]
In Washington,
a high-school band is practicing
[446]
in pop-up tents in an effort
to prevent the spread of COVID.
[451]
Yeah. Practicing is easy.
The hard part is marching.
[455]
[ Laughter ]
[456]
Parents at the concert
will be like,
[458]
"That's mine.
Green tent number 24."
[461]
I'm sure the kids
are just happy to play.
[463]
Can we see another picture?
Whoa.
[465]
[ Laughter ]
[468]
The only kid who's got it worst
is the cellist.
[471]
It's like...
-We need those.
[473]
-Yeah, right.
-Can we have those?
[474]
-Yeah. You guys --
Get the band together?
[476]
-Please, please? Yeah. Yeah.
[478]
-Uh, asked why he decided to
do it, the music teacher said...
[483]
"Because it's funny."
[484]
[ Laughter ]
[488]
And, finally, we're all
bored during the pandemic,
[491]
but check out
what this Colorado woman saw
[493]
two guys doing in the snow
last week.
[502]
-Woman: Geez.
[503]
[ Laughter ]
[505]
-One of the guys was like,
"Join me,
[507]
and together we can rule
Beaver Creek, Colorado."
[511]
C-3PO was like, "I'm detecting
signs of virginity."
Most Recent Videos:
You can go back to the homepage right here: Homepage