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How to Avoid and Prepare for Divorce | My best experience as a Young Muslim Woman | SimplyJaserah - YouTube
Channel: SimplyJaserah
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Hi guys welcome back or to my youtube channel! If聽
this is your first time coming across any of my聽聽
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videos or my channel please consider subscribing,聽
I make lots of videos just like this one where聽聽
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it's like vlog style lifestyle and modest fashion.聽
And i think the light just went a little too聽聽
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bright but we're just gonna roll with it so聽
yeah please subscribe if you haven't already!聽聽
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So jumping right into this video, i'm not gonna聽
do an introduction because i think it's pretty聽聽
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self-explanatory. If you clicked on this video聽
by reading the title there's a reason why you're聽聽
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here so i'm going to get right into it. I'm going聽
to start off with a bunch of disclaimers because聽聽
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i'm so worried that people are going to take聽
this video and spin it around or misinterpret it聽聽
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and i want you guys to know from the get go my聽
intentions behind this video. I just want to help聽聽
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anybody who is either having marital problems聽
who is considering divorce who is going through聽聽
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a divorce and having a difficult time or if聽
you're seeking a partner and you just don't know聽聽
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how to gauge or know if he's the right one or聽
what to look out for then i'm hoping that from聽聽
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my experience i can share with you guys some of聽
the lessons and things that i've learned to help聽聽
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you guys make a sound decision so with that being聽
said i want to first start off with the number聽聽
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one disclaimer i am definitely not advocating聽
for divorce by any means i want to make that聽聽
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very very clear if you are having problems in your聽
relationship right now please exhaust every single聽聽
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option there is before you resort to divorce聽
because divorce should always be your last option聽聽
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the second thing i do want to point out is not all聽
marriages are equal not all marriages are the same聽聽
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so everything i share is just basically聽
my experience so please take everything聽聽
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with a grain of salt my experience in my marriage聽
may not be the same for you so please just have聽聽
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like an open mind while watching this video and聽
the last thing i want to point out is i didn't聽聽
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have any kids involved nor did i have to move or聽
stay in a different location from my ex-husband聽聽
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so i resided in the same state as my ex so聽
there was not a lot of moving going on at all聽聽
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i had family right here by my side and yeah no聽
kids were involved so those are some of the things聽聽
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to keep in mind now getting into the actual part聽
of the video i'm gonna tell you guys just a very聽聽
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brief overview so i was married for a little聽
over five years so a little over half of a decade聽聽
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um i got married really young when i was 20.聽
um my ex-husband and i met at a local masjid聽聽
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so a lot of times people ask me was it arranged聽
was it love i guess it was like a combination of聽聽
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both maybe a fusion so we met the masjid we spoke聽
a couple times and then we told our parents to聽聽
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take it for us further on um so it's kind of like聽
a mix i definitely wouldn't say it was love like聽聽
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we weren't dating for a while and stuff like that聽
just to point out there was a lot that happened in聽聽
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my marriage this is by no means the entirety of my聽
marriage and there were some very very big things聽聽
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that happened throughout the marriage that led聽
me to my final decision of divorce which i won't聽聽
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mention just for the sake of privacy but i'll聽
give you guys a few tips of what i learned and聽聽
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red flags and things to look out for so you guys聽
don't make some of the same mistakes that i made
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and one of the main reasons for divorce is聽
usually due to incompatibility or differences聽聽
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so i really wish somebody had given me聽
this advice when i was getting married聽聽
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so i'm gonna pass this on to you some of the聽
things to keep in mind is that person's lifestyle聽聽
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their living conditions like do they live with聽
their parents do they live with their siblings聽聽
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also their upbringing like where they were born聽
and raised i think that's a very very critical聽聽
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thing because i learned that through the hard聽
way i had more of a american mindset whereas聽聽
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my ex-husband was raised in saudi arabia where a聽
mindset was more conservative and its upbringings聽聽
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were just different i'm not saying one is better聽
than the other i'm just saying it provides a clash聽聽
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that you can probably avoid if you look out for聽
that in the beginning the thing to look out for in聽聽
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their social life are things like do they have a聽
lot of friends or do they only have that one good聽聽
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friend that they rely on do they hang out with聽
their friends often or do they only hang out like聽聽
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time to time um what are their friends like um do聽
they hang out in mixed gatherings stuff like that聽聽
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is really important because although their friends聽
truly don't define them you have to realize your聽聽
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friends influence you to a certain extent so if聽
you don't like your significant other's friends聽聽
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then you're gonna have lots of problems also you聽
want to make sure that they're able to adjust to聽聽
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their new priorities of course priorities will聽
change throughout the marriage so like once kids聽聽
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are involved or if you end up having to live with聽
in-laws or stuff like that but you just want to聽聽
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be sure that the person you are going to marry is聽
able to adjust to those things and it's not just聽聽
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set in stone in their ways the last tip i want聽
to give before getting married or when seeking a聽聽
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significant other is to look at their character it聽
is so important that the person you are marrying聽聽
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has good morals and good beliefs and good ethics聽
i made the mistake of going for somebody who is聽聽
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religious i really don't necessarily think that聽
religious translates into good character because聽聽
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when somebody is a good person you will see that聽
throughout their daily life like simple things how聽聽
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they communicate with people how they interact聽
with people who can't give them anything so聽聽
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youngers or elders how they do their dealings in聽
their business and stuff like that i think it's so聽聽
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incredibly important because somebody could pray聽
five times a day but still not have that fear of聽聽
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god and you have to have somebody who fears allah聽
first for them to treat you right so please keep聽聽
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that in mind that something that i really really聽
wish i knew from before being so naive at 20 i聽聽
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just thought if somebody was pregnant five times聽
a day then they had to be a good person right聽聽
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but it's not always the case a few more tips聽
that i forgot to mention and i think they're so聽聽
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important so i want to squeeze it in red flags聽
and listen to your gut red flags are huge when聽聽
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you are getting to know somebody and you see聽
red flags and red flags could be anything like聽聽
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white lies that they're making or them acting聽
suspicious or them hiding their cell phones or聽聽
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them interacting differently with friends versus聽
how they interact with family anything of that聽聽
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sort please recognize and pay attention to these聽
red flags because the last thing you want to do聽聽
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is just keep those red flags in your back pocket聽
or in the back of your brain and then you end up聽聽
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getting married to this person and the entire聽
time you're just dwelling over those red flags聽聽
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or every time a conflict arises you go back to聽
your red flag file that's only in your brain you聽聽
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can't even bring it up like months and years later聽
and then it tears you apart because you don't know聽聽
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what the truth is so red flags if you see them聽
either bring it up politely to your partner and聽聽
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address it or have it open communication where聽
you guys sit down and say like okay these are a聽聽
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few things that i want to know more about can you聽
elaborate and just get more clarity for yourself聽聽
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because that's only going to help you in the聽
future in the long run either it's going to save聽聽
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you from somebody who is not who they're saying聽
they're going to be or like somebody who's not聽聽
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a good person or it will help you understand聽
and have a clean perception of this person
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now that we covered the basics of like what聽
to look for in a person say you end up getting聽聽
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married now you're having either problems聽
in your marriage you don't know when to keep聽聽
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trying or when to give up um you don't know聽
who to seek help from or what you should do聽聽
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then i have a bunch of things that i have listed聽
on a piece of paper here just because i don't want聽聽
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to forget some of the main things and i wrote down聽
everything that i personally experienced so i hope聽聽
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this could help some of you guys so the first聽
thing how to gauge if you want to move forward聽聽
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with a separation or how to try harder and stay聽
in the marriage okay the first thing i will say聽聽
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is please exhaust every single option you have聽
so go to counseling talk to your friends talk聽聽
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to your family get the parents involved and maybe聽
have a friend come over and talk to you guys try聽聽
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everything the things that worked for me聽
and i'll tell you guys the steps that i took聽聽
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from beginning to end the first thing i did was聽
have open communication with my partner and i聽聽
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think that's so important both of you guys need聽
to sit down and have a very mature conversation聽聽
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when there's no anger or no emotions involved and聽
just kind of talk through the differences try to聽聽
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talk through the struggles and come up with a game聽
plan of how you can resolve all of these issues聽聽
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you also want to be able to have like an open聽
mindset so neither of you guys get angry and聽聽
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i think it's so important to have a healthy聽
conversation between the couple first before聽聽
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involving other people so when that doesn't work聽
then you can definitely involve like one person聽聽
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definitely don't get the entire community or like聽
all of your relatives involved at first because it聽聽
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could be degrading so the second step is to get um聽
either a close family member or a friend involved聽聽
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in my case i had my sister involved so she聽
came over and kind of helped us walk through聽聽
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our differences and she even kind of told聽
us like how both of us can change and she聽聽
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listened to both sides obviously trying聽
to be unbiased as much as she can聽聽
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and if you don't have a sister or sibling that聽
you trust then choose a friend i will say having聽聽
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a friend involved is a little bit tricky because聽
it depends on whose side the friend is coming from聽聽
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so it could be a little bit biased of course with聽
siblings too but at the end of the day like family聽聽
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just wants the best for you so like your friend聽
your family will have more unbiased opinions聽聽
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versus a friend but of course i think friends聽
work great too and the third step is to get family聽聽
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involved so like parents involved so have both the聽
families come together sit down and talk and if聽聽
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that doesn't work then definitely seek counseling聽
i think counseling is wonderful i know in our聽聽
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community especially south asian communities it's聽
like kind of looked down upon and it has this聽聽
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really big stigma and taboo around it but i really聽
don't think there's anything wrong with it at all聽聽
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my personal advice is to find somebody outside聽
of the community to be your counselor so you're聽聽
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not feeling degraded or embarrassed and you don't聽
have to worry about going out in public and facing聽聽
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that person so that just would be one of my tips i聽
think it makes just both parties feel comfortable聽聽
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and then my last resort would be to go seek聽
advice from a local imam or a sheikh or somebody聽聽
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with authority in the community because normally聽
these type of people will give you advice from a聽聽
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religious perspective they'll give聽
me islamic perspective on what to do聽聽
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and then from there you can try to separate for聽
a couple months and see if that works out that聽聽
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was like one of the last things that we did we聽
separated for a couple months maybe two or three聽聽
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months to see if that was best for us and usually聽
by that point you will know if you guys want to聽聽
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be together or just go separate ways so i think聽
separation should be the second to last thing聽聽
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before divorce i think separation purely is so you聽
guys have time away and you're able to think about聽聽
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everything as an individual and internalize your聽
thoughts and i really feel like separation helped聽聽
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me a lot that is one of the things that helped me聽
make a sound decision when i realized that divorce聽聽
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was the best option for me because in isolation聽
or in separation i was able to really lean on a聽聽
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lot i was really able to do tons of istahada聽
make a lot of sincere dua and really pray for聽聽
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either a sign or pray for allah to guide me and聽
a couple things that i did while i was separated聽聽
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or a couple things that i did while i was going聽
through like maybe a divorce process possibly was聽聽
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i wrote down a list of pros and cons so i wrote聽
down a bunch of things that i think was beneficial聽聽
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for me to stay in the marriage and then i wrote聽
down a bunch of things that i think was probably聽聽
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not so good for me staying in that marriage and i聽
think it really helps you see things written out聽聽
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on a piece of paper that you're able to see kind聽
of all the things that you've tried all the things聽聽
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that don't work and you're able to really see聽
that okay maybe this isn't going to work out or聽聽
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maybe this will work out and i just haven't tried聽
enough and now i'm trying to think what else i聽聽
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did i think those are pretty much all the steps i聽
took before i made the final decision of wanting a聽聽
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divorce obviously there was a lot involved and聽
a lot of emotions are involved and it's a very聽聽
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it's a traumatic time so don't let yourself聽
make a judgment all by yourself definitely seek聽聽
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guidance from your peers your family and somebody聽
with authority because you're so emotional you聽聽
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don't want to make a unsound decision if that聽
makes sense but yeah i really hope that helps聽聽
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some of you guys if you guys are going through聽
a difficult time all of my prayers are with you聽聽
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marriage is so hard and you have to realize that聽
for a marriage to work both parties have to give聽聽
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hundred percent it cannot be fifty percent fifty聽
percent each it has to be hundred and hundred聽聽
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and marriage is always kind of like a lottery you聽
never know um if you're going to win a successful聽聽
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one or not it takes a lot of work and compromise聽
so don't give up easily at all sacrifice as much聽聽
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as you can and if you feel like you're getting聽
pushed out of your limits and you're sacrificing聽聽
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more than your spouse is then just have聽
a conversation write those things down聽聽
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and take it with you maybe to counseling or have聽
that conversation with your spouse one-on-one and聽聽
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i feel like you can really really help if both聽
of you guys are wanting it to work so i really聽聽
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hope that helped you guys so now moving on to the聽
final stage you've exhausted all of your options聽聽
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and you tried your very best but you do feel like聽
divorce is the best option for you i feel like聽聽
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this is everyone's biggest fear and people fear聽
getting divorced because they fear being alone and聽聽
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it's a very valid emotion to have i felt that聽
myself too because especially when you have this聽聽
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intimate relationship with someone you think like聽
how can i live without this person and i feel like聽聽
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everyone feels that with a heartbreak or when聽
you're in love or when you're married to somebody聽聽
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but don't let the fear of it being alone or聽
the fear of the unknown the fear of the future聽聽
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stop you from making the right decision or right聽
choice for you i for like the last six months of聽聽
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my divorce feared being alone like you guys don't聽
understand i was having like separation anxiety聽聽
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i just thought my life was going to be over after聽
i was not with this person anymore but you guys聽聽
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everyone who has gotten a divorce has made it out聽
alive if your ex-husband didn't murder you it's聽聽
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just a joke you will make it out on the other聽
side and i want you guys to also know that as聽聽
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muslims we have that belief that allah is the聽
best of planners and you have this theoretical聽聽
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this trust in allah so have trust in him and his聽
plans his plans are far greater than the plans聽聽
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you had for yourself so that is something that i聽
had to remind myself all the time once i was going聽聽
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through my separation i was going through divorce聽
i literally had a notepad and i would write聽聽
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like 100 times over and over this dua that i read聽
all the time and i'll put it here on the screen聽聽
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and in the description down below so you guys can聽
have it it translated to allah is sufficient for聽聽
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me and you guys it gave me so much comfort聽
and so much relief so if you're struggling聽聽
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and you're going through divorce and you're聽
having a very very difficult time emotionally聽聽
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read a bunch of duas and make a lot of sincere聽
dua because at the end of the day allah is the聽聽
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best of planners he's the best of healers he聽
will cure your broken heart he will give you聽聽
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somebody so much better and if you rely on him聽
he will be there for you one thousand percent so聽聽
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what i did after my divorce was pray a lot聽
i made a lot of dua i did a lot of thicker聽聽
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i just kept my mind engaged in a lot of like聽
religious remembrance because it gave me comfort聽聽
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and also it kept my mind off of what was really聽
going on another thing that i did a lot was talk聽聽
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to my friends and family about the situation until聽
all of us were exhausted like people's ears were聽聽
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bleeding they were like please shut up already but聽
i talked about it day in and day out and it really聽聽
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helped me i'm the type of person like i want to聽
talk about it 5 000 times over and over again聽聽
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to know that i made the right decision so that聽
helped me a lot and the last thing is seek聽聽
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counseling if you feel like you need it i never聽
ended up going to counseling or therapy but i've聽聽
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heard so many people go and it works wonders聽
if you just want someone to talk to and if you聽聽
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don't want it to be your friends or family then聽
i think that's a great option and lastly i found聽聽
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things that made me happy so to fill that void of聽
a missing marriage or spouse or significant other聽聽
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i found things that made me feel whole so for聽
me that was blogging it was traveling it was聽聽
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learning new skills whether that was investing聽
getting better at my job things that improved my聽聽
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well-being my skill set my talent my qualities i聽
really fell into that self-development self-growth聽聽
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kind of mindset and i really feel like that's the聽
best way to get out of a situation they always say聽聽
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like the best form of revenge is like success聽
and i feel like that is true like i was able to聽聽
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take my negative emotions and all of my negative聽
experiences and make it a positive one i feel聽聽
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like i'm now successful and independent and i聽
don't rely on my ex-husband to provide for me聽聽
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or to make me feel whole i give myself that power聽
so yeah those are my few tips i really hope this聽聽
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video helped you guys and again if you guys are聽
going through something that's very difficult聽聽
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all my love and prayers to you if you guys want聽
a part two answering more of like q a and giving聽聽
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guys more tips then let me know i know this was聽
so long and i hope this wasn't a blab session聽聽
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because this is my second time recording this and聽
i feel like even now i was just like venting and聽聽
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blobbing on and on so i really hope this was聽
helpful i'll see you guys in my next one bye
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