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What Still Works Cold Open - SNL - YouTube
Channel: Saturday Night Live
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>>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "WHAT
STILL WORKS."
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO AND WELCOME TO "WHAT
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STILL WORKS," WHERE WE LOOK AT
EVERY PART OF AMERICAN SOCIETY
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AND WONDER, WHAT STILL WORKS?
IT'S A NEW YEAR AND WE HAVE A
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NEW PRESIDENT SO SOME THINGS
SHOULD WORK, BUT DO THEY?
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OUR FIRST TOPIC IS GOVERNMENT,
AND ALREADY I HAVE MY DOUBTS.
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JOINING US IS A CONGRESSWOMAN
FROM GEORGIA WHO'S BEEN
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PROMOTING Q-ANON CONSPIRACY
THEORIES.
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PLEASE WELCOME
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
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>> HI.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
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GUN?
>> NO, NO.
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NO, THANK YOU.
I'M GOOD.
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>> OKAY.
>> CONGRESSWOMAN GREENE, HARD TO
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SAY THOSE WORDS TOGETHER, WHAT
ARE SOME OF THE THEORIES YOU
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BELIEVE IN AND HAVE BEEN
PROMOTING?
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>> HOW MUCH TIME YOU GOT?
OKAY, FIRST OFF, I BELIEVE THE
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PARKLAND SHOOTING WAS A HOAX.
THE TEACHERS WERE ACTORS AND THE
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CHILDREN WERE DOLLS.
I BELIEVE 9/11 WAS A HOAX.
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DID ANYONE ACTUALLY SEE IT
HAPPEN?
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I'VE ALSO TOLD MY SUPPORTERS
THAT THEY SHOULD PHYSICALLY
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MURDER NANCY PELOSI.
SHE'S THIS LADY I WORK WITH.
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>> YEAH, I'M FAMILIAR.
THANK YOU.
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>> OH, AND THIS IS A NEW ONE
THAT JUST CAME OUT, I THINK THAT
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THE CALIFORNIA WILDFIRES WERE
CAUSED BY JEWISH SPACE LASERS.
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>> SO THERE ARE LASERS IN SPACE
THAT CAUSED WILDFIRES AND THE
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LASERS IDENTIFY AS JEWISH?
>> YES, CORRECT.
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>> AND THOSE ARE REAL THINGS YOU
BELIEVE AND TELL OTHER PEOPLE
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ABOUT?
>> UH-HUH.
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YES.
>> AND YOU'RE A U.S.
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REPRESENTATIVE?
>> UH-HUH, YES.
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>> YOU REPRESENT THE U.S.?
>> UH-HUH.
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YES.
>> PEOPLE CAN GOOGLE YOU AND IT
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WILL SAY SHE'S A REAL MEMBER OF
THE U.S. GOVERNMENT?
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>> THAT MIGHT NOT BE THE FIRST
THING THAT COMES UP, BUT YEAH.
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>> AND WHEN YOUR COLLEAGUES
FOUND ALL ABOUT ALL THESE
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HATEFUL AND PSYCHOTIC THINGS YOU
SAID, WHAT DID THEY DO?
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>> I WAS PROMOTED TO THE
EDUCATION COMMITTEE.
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>> OKAY.
THANKS FOR COMING.
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SO GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WORK, AND
HONESTLY I REGRET NOT TAKING THE
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GUN.
NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE
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STOCK MARKET.
THAT USUALLY WORKS, RIGHT?
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THAT'S WHERE PEOPLE INVEST ALL
THEIR RETIREMENT MONEY, SO IT
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SHOULD PROBABLY WORK.
HERE TO HELP US ANSWER THAT
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QUESTION IS THE NEW MAJORITY
SHAREHOLDER OF GAMESTOP
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DEREK BONER.
♪♪♪
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♪
>> THANK YOU.
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>> WHAT UP?
THIS IS CRAZY, DUDE!
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BY THE WAY, MY NAME'S
DEREK EVANS, BUT I MADE YOU SAY
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BONER.
>> TERRIFIC.
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NOW, WOULD YOU SAY THE STOCK
MARKET STILL WORKS?
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>> FIRST OF ALL, IT'S PRONOUNCED
THE STONK MARKET, AND -- YEAH,
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HELL YEAH IT WORKS.
I TOLD YOU I PUT ALL MY MONEY IN
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GAMESTOP, AND I CAN'T LOSE.
>> SO, NORMALLY A STOCK PRICE
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REFLECTS THE COMPANY'S VALUE,
RIGHT?
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>> OKAY.
>> NOW TWO WEEKS AGO GAMESTOP
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WAS VALUED AT $17 A SHARE AND
THEN IT WENT TO $413 A SHARE.
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WOULD YOU SAY THAT REFLECTS THE
KIND OF BUSINESS GAMESTOP HAS
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BEEN DOING IN THE PAST TWO
WEEKS?
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>> WE SELL GAMES?
>> RIGHT, BUT ARE YOU GOOD AT
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IT?
>> NOT REALLY.
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PEOPLE DOWNLOAD THEIR GAMES NOW
SO WE'RE KIND OF, LIKE, WHAT DO
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YOU CALL IT?
>> A DYING BUSINESS.
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>> YEAH.
THAT'S IT.
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>> SO YOUR PRICE SHOULD HAVE
GONE.
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>> DOWN?
>> BUT INSTEAD IT WENT --
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>> UP THE MOST.
>> SO NOW IT SEEMS LIKE --
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>> THE ENTIRE SYSTEM IS A JOKE?
>> EXACTLY.
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>> INTERESTING.
YOU WANT TO BUY MY STONKS?
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>> I'M GOOD, THANK YOU, BUT OUT
OF CURIOSITY, WHO ELSE INVESTED
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IN GAMESTOP?
>> OH, JA RULE.
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BEST OF LUCK TO YOU.
SO THE STOCK MARKET NO LONGER
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WORKS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOCIAL
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MEDIA.
SOME MIGHT SAY IT NEVER WORKED,
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BUT LET'S ASK TWO EXPERTS,
TWITTER CEO JACK DORSEY AND
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FACEBOOK FOUNDER
MARK ZUCKERBERG.
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♪♪♪
>> WE COULD GET YOU A CHAIR,
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MARK.
>> I PREFER TO STAND.
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IT MAKES MY LEGS WORK JUST AS
HARD AS MY BRAIN.
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DAB!
>> HE'S ONE OF OUR BEST AND
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BRIGHTEST.
SO, GUYS, YOU'VE HAD TO SUSPEND
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THE ACCOUNTS OF MANY PROMINENT
CONSERVATIVES WHO WERE SPREADING
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LIES AND INCITING VIOLENCE.
HOW DID THAT GO?
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>> NOT WELL.
IT SEEMS TO HAVE FORCED THOSE
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PEOPLE ON TO DARKER, SCARIER
APPS WHERE THEIR DELUSION AND
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BLOODLUST CAN RUN WILD.
>> AND FUNDAMENTALLY, FACEBOOK
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STILL WORKS, NOT ONLY DOES IT
HELP FORM
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COMMUNITIES ONLINE, IT HAS
HELPED PEOPLE MEET AND CONNECT
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IN REAL LIFE, FOR EXAMPLE, AT
THE CAPITOL.
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>> AND WHILE WE'RE GATHERING
OPINIONS ON WHAT WORKS, WOULD
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YOU SAY THAT MY CHIN BEARD IS
WORKING?
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>> IT'S WORKING IN TERMS OF
KEEPING ME A LESBIAN.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
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OUR NEXT TOPIC IS THE VACCINE
ROLLOUT.
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IS THAT WORKING?
JOINING US IS SOMEONE WHO JUST
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RECEIVED THE VACCINE,
O.J. SIMPSON.
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♪♪♪
>> HOW'S IT GOING, GANG?
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GREAT TO SEE EVERYBODY.
I DON'T GET OUT MUCH, SO THIS IS
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FUN.
>> O.J., YOU GOT THE VACCINE?
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>> YEP.
>> TEACHERS CAN'T GET VACCINES,
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BUT YOU DID?
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
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>> PEOPLE WITH LONG-TERM LUNG
CONDITIONS CAN'T GET THE
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VACCINE, BUT YOU DID?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
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>> SO AMONG THE FIRST 3% OF ALL
AMERICANS GIVEN THE VACCINE WAS
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O.J. SIMPSON.
>> HEY, GUILTY AS CHARGED --
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ABOUT THE VACCINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> ALL RIGHT.
SO THE VACCINE ROLLOUT DOESN'T
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WORK.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.
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>> I MEAN HONESTLY, MY SCHEDULE
WAS WIDE OPEN.
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GOD, THIS THING MAKES ME SO
ANGRY I SWEAR I COULD JUST --
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HEY, STAY COOL, JUICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> COOL, AND OUR LAST TOPIC
TONIGHT, TOM BRADY.
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IS TOM BRADY WORKING?
HERE WITH HIS THOUGHTS IS TOM
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BRADY.
TOM, THIS IS YOUR TENTH SUPER
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BOWL APPEARANCE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
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>> YOU'RE 43 YEARS OLD, BUT YOU
LOOK 27.
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>> I HAVEN'T EATEN SUGAR IN 15
YEARS.
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>> YOU WENT TO HISTORICALLY ONE
OF THE WORST FRANCHISEES IN
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FOOTBALL AND IN YOUR FIRST YEAR
YOU TOOK THEM TO THE
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CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, BUT IT'S REALLY
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A TEAM EFFORT.
>> NO, DON'T EVEN TRY IT.
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NO ONE ELSE BELIEVES THERE IS
ANYONE ELSE ON THE TEAM.
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MY POINT IS YOU STILL WORK.
>> YEAH.
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>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WIN
FOOTBALL GAMES AND YOU JUST KEEP
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WINNING THOSE FOOTBALL GAMES?
>> YEAH.
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>> YOU MIGHT BE THE ONLY THING
IN AMERICA THAT STILL WORKS.
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>> YEAH.
>> SO I GUESS EVERYONE MUST BE
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ROOTING FOR YOU, RIGHT?
>> ALMOST NO ONE.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
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I'LL BE ROOTING FOR YOU, TOM
BRADY, BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY
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GOD DAMN THING THIS COUNTRY CAN
STILL RELY ON, AND IT'S NOT LIKE
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YOU'RE A WEIRD TRUMP GUY OR
ANYTHING, RIGHT?
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>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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>> AND THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
"WHAT STILL WORKS."
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I'VE BEEN KATE McKINNON AS
MYSELF, SLOWLY LOSING MY MIND,
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ALONG WITH ALL OF YOU.
STAY STRONG OR WEAK.
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WEAK IS A GREAT OPTION, TOO.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S
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SATURDAY NIGHT!
♪♪♪
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♪♪♪
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