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Michael Che - Lying on Your Résumé, Paying Taxes & The History of Sexting - YouTube
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What's up, Boston?
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How you guys doing?
[4]
(audience cheering)
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Wow.
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This is crazy. I love Boston.
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This is the second time
I've been to Boston
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in, like, the past month,
and I love it.
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'Cause the first time I went,
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I went to a place
I've never been before.
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It's called Southie.
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(audience laughs, whoops)
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Yeah.
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It's a white ghetto.
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(laughter)
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I've never seen a white ghetto
in my life!
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It was ama...
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I saw a white lady steal a bike.
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And she was wearing a helmet.
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It was amazing.
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It was the coolest thing
I've ever seen, man.
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This is, uh, this is cool
because this is, like,
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a dream come true for me
to do comedy,
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you know, for so many people,
you know?
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I've been listening to "Juicy"
a lot to get inspired.
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You ever listen
to Biggie's "Juicy"?
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(whoops)
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It's, like, the greatest song
of inspiration ever.
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You know?
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I... It's weird though.
It's not the same song
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as when I heard it
when I was, like, 12.
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'Cause there's a line in there
when he goes,
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♪ Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis ♪
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♪ When I was dead broke, man ♪
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♪ I couldn't picture this. ♪
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That's, like, $300-worth
of merchandise.
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It's not a lot of money, man.
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I've been dead broke
my whole life,
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and I've had a Sega Genesis.
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I didn't have a Super Nintendo,
but I could picture it.
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It wasn't like...
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But it's fun though, it's good,
because it's,
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you know, like,
if I wasn't doing comedy,
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I don't know what I'd be doing,
you know?
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I don't know what I'd be doing.
It wouldn't be good.
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I'd try, like, I would try
to get a regular job.
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It's embarrassing.
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I'd have to, like,
lie on my résumé.
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You know how humiliating
that is?
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You ever lie so bad
on your résumé
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that you can't believe
you didn't get
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the job?
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You want to go back
to Foot Locker.
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Like, really, Foot Locker?
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Who the (bleep) do you hire
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that has eight-year
mayoral experience?
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(laughs)
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And a degree in physics?
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Who is this amazing
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shoe salesman?
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I don't have a degree.
I didn't even go to college.
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And I'm glad I didn't
because I do this.
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So I don't have to go
to college for this.
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And all my friends that went
to college are in crazy debt.
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Like, real debt.
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I got a friend
that's $80,000 in debt
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with an English degree.
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I learned English for free.
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(laughs)
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It was the first thing
I learned.
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It was
the first thing I learned.
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And I talk
to this dude every day.
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I understand
everything he's saying.
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He doesn't know a special kind
of English.
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He doesn't talk
like the Game of Thrones.
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It's just regular English.
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And you know
what he does for a living?
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He teaches English.
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'Cause that's the only thing you
can do with an English degree.
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It's a (bleep) pyramid scheme.
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I do like, uh,
doing comedy though because...
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I got to pay taxes.
That's the worst part.
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That's the wor...
You ever pay taxes?
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I never paid taxes before.
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It's an awful feeling.
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I've had taxes taken,
but I've never paid taxes.
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And that's two totally
different things.
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'Cause when you have taxes
taken, you get a job
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every week and they just take
the taxes out of your check.
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They just take it.
You don't get a choice.
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They just take it
and they keep taking it
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till the end of the year
where they're like,
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"Hey, I think we might've
took too much.
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(laughs)
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"Here's $500 back.
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Go buy yourself
some sneakers or something."
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And you're like,
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"Thanks, government. We're going
to Red Lobster tonight.
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"This is amazing.
(laughs)
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I love tax time."
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When you pay taxes,
it's totally different.
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When you pay taxes, they let you
keep all of your money all year,
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and at the end, they say,
"You owe us 40%."
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Which is a lot for me because I
don't know what I'm paying for.
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I've never dialed 911.
I put out all my own fires.
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And I'm not saying I shouldn't
have to pay any taxes,
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but I shouldn't have to pay
as much as somebody that votes.
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Or... actually...
(laughs)
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I don't vote because I don't
know anything about politics.
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And honestly I can't believe
they would let me.
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Isn't that, like,
an important job?
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They'll just let me pick
the president, really?
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I don't got to take a test?
I don't need a license?
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You need a license
to shampoo dogs in this country.
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But they'll let me pick
the president?
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And that seems safe to you?
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I don't know anything
about politics.
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I've tried.
I'll watch the news.
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Either I'm too stupid
to understand the news
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or I feel like they're
always lying to us.
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Right? I was watching recently.
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This lady
from the government gets on
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talking about the economy.
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She's like,
"We're in a recession.
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We owe China $11 trillion."
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And I'm like, "We?"
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I don't owe China shit.
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You owe China $11 trillion.
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"We" owe Sprint $90.
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You must've been roaming.
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We treat kids weird, man.
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Let kids be kids.
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They were talking about kids
are out of control
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for sexting each other.
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They're not out of control
for sexting.
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They just have the technology
to be as gross
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as we've always wished we were
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when we were their age.
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What did you think
he was gonna take pictures of
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with eight megapixels of camera?
Sunsets?
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No, he's 12.
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He's gonna take
pictures of his dick.
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It's the most interesting thing
he owns.
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(laughs)
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It's not his fault.
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I'm sure there was people
trying to sext in the '70s
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and '80s in their bathrooms
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with Polaroids and stamps.
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(laughs)
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Like...
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(imitates camera shutter)
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Wait till Cheryl sees this shit
in two to three business days.
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She's gonna love it.
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(laughs)
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People in the '20s
trying to sext each other.
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With those cameras
like the box cameras with the...
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... with the black cloth and...
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Poof!
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They pose for every picture
like they was on money.
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All right, now watch the birdie.
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Poof!
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(laughs)
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That's the world's
oldest sexting joke.
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