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Weekend Update on the GOP Tax Plan - SNL - YouTube
Channel: Saturday Night Live
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♪♪♪
>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
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COLIN JOST, AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
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>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
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>> I'M COLIN JOST.
>> WELL, THE GOOD NEWS FOR
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PRESIDENT TRUMP IS THAT HIS TAX
PLAN JUST PASSED THE SENATE.
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THE BAD NEWS IS HE MIGHT NOT BE
PRESIDENT LONG ENOUGH TO SIGN
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IT.
>> FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY
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ADVISER MICHAEL FLYNN PLED
GUILTY TO CHARGES THAT HE LIED
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TO THE FBI DURING THEIR
INVESTIGATION OF TRUMP'S TIES TO
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RUSSIA.
OR AS FOX NEWS REPORTED IT, DID
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HILLARY CLINTON SECRETLY JOIN
ISIS?
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YOU KNOW, THESE DAYS I HAVE TO
SAY IT'S JUST REFRESHING TO SEE
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A POWERFUL MAN PLEAD GUILTY FOR
SOMETHING THAT ISN'T SEXUAL
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HARASSMENT.
WHEN I HEARD FLYNN WAS IN
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TROUBLE I WAS LIKE, WAIT, HE
ONLY LIED TO THE FBI?
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HE DIDN'T ALSO WHIP IT OUT
DURING A MEETING?
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WHAT A SOLID GUY.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP KNEW WE HAD A
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SHOW TONIGHT SO HE WAS KIND
ENOUGH TO GO ON TWITTER AND DO
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HALF OF OUR JOB FOR US.
HE SAID, "I
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HAD TO FIRE GENERAL FLYNN
BECAUSE HE LIED TO THE VICE
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PRESIDENT AND THE FBI."
OH, THANKS MAN, I GOT IT FROM
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HERE.
SO YOU KNEW FLYNN LIED AND THEN
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ASKED COMEY TO STOP HIS
INVESTIGATION?
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THAT'S OBSTRUCTION.
WHO'S YOUR LAWYER?
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OH, RIGHT, THE OATMEAL GUY.
YOU KNOW, THE SAD THING IS AS
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BAD AS THIS LOOKS, THIS IS STILL
DONALD TRUMP WE'RE TALKING
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ABOUT.
AND I'VE HEARD PEOPLE SAY, "OH,
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THERE'S NO WAY TRUMP WALKS FROM
THIS ONE" AT LEAST 38 TIMES
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ALREADY.
BUT THAT SLIPPERY BASTARD IS
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SOMEHOW STILL THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
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WHAT ELSE DOES THE FBI NEED?
THEY HAVE LIKE A 95% CONVICTION
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RATE, A HIGH-RANKING SNITCH, AND
A VOLUNTEERED CONFESSION ON
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TWITTER.
SO IF DONALD TRUMP ISN'T IN
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PRISON BRAIDING SOME BLACK
DUDE'S HAIR, THEN DAMN IT, I
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WANT THE OATMEAL GUY AS MY
LAWYER, TOO.
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[ APPLAUSE ]
>> AFTER NEWS OF FLYNN'S PLEA
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BROKE, FORMER FBI JAMES COMEY
TWEETED A BIBLICAL VERSE SAYING,
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"BUT LET JUSTICE ROLL DOWN LIKE
WATERS AND RIGHTEOUSNESS LIKE AN
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EVER-FLOWING STREAM."
IT'S A POWERFUL REMINDER THAT,
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NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT
JAMES COMEY, WE CAN ALL AGREE
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HE'S A HUMONGOUS DORK.
ALSO HIS USE OF THE PHRASE
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"EVER-FLOWING STREAM" MAKES ME
THINK HE HAS SEEN THE RUSSIAN
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PY PEE TAPE.
>> THE SENATE VOTED TO PASS THE
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$1.5 TRILLION TAX REFORM BILL AT
2:00 THIS MORNING THAT EXPERTS
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SAY WOULD ADD OVER $1 TRILLION
TO THE NATIONAL DEBT.
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WOW, I KNEW TRUMP WAS GOING TO
RUN THE COUNTRY LIKE A BUSINESS,
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I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING
TO RUN IT LIKE ONE OF HIS
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BUSINESSES.
IT'S ALSO ESTIMATED THAT THE
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PLAN WILL GIVE HUGE TAX CUTS TO
HOUSEHOLDS MAKING OVER $1
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MILLION A YEAR.
OF COURSE, ALL OF THAT MONEY
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WILL EVENTUALLY TRICKLE DOWN,
FIRST FROM RICH PARENTS TO THEIR
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KIDS, AND THEN FROM THOSE KIDS
TO THEIR MOLLY DEALERS AT
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COACHELLA.
>> ONCE THE REPUBLICANS GET
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THIS TAX BILL PASSED THEY WON'T
NEED HIM ANYMORE.
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THEY'VE GOTTEN WHAT THEY WANTED.
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY LIKE YOU.
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YOU DON'T THINK IT'S A LITTLE
WEIRD THAT THEY PASSED THIS BILL
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AT 2:00 A.M. WITHOUT EVEN
READING IT THE SAME NIGHT THEY
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FOUND OUT FLYNN WAS ROLLING ON
THEM?
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I MEAN, IT'S LIKE YOUR FAMILY
WOKE YOU UP AT 2:00 A.M. SAYING,
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"WE NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS WILL
TONIGHT."
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"CAN I READ IT FIRST?"
"NO TIME."
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>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO HINTED
IN A TWEET THIS WEEK THAT MSNBC
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ANCHOR JOE SCARBROUGH SHOULD BE
INVESTIGATED FOR AN UNSOLVED
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MURDER.
CAN WE JUST TAKE A SECOND TO
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APPRECIATE THAT THAT STORY
BARELY EVEN REGISTERED AS NEWS?
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AT ANY OTHER TIME IN HISTORY,
THE PRESIDENT "PRESIDENT OPENLY
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ACCUSES MAN OF MURDER" WOULD
PROBABLY MAKE THE FRONT PAGE.
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NOW IT'S JUST PART OF THE WHACKY
NEWS CORNER RIGHT NEXT TO "LOCAL
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SQUIRREL LEARNS KARATE" AND
NORTH KOREA CAN NOW NUKE ALL OF
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U.S.
>> YOUTUBE HAS REMOVED MORE THAN
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150,000 VIDEOS DUE TO DISTURBING
CONTENT INVOLVING CHILDREN.
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BUT IF YOU STILL WANT TO WATCH
DISTURBING CONTENT INVOLVING
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CHILDREN THERE IS ALWAYS THE
ALABAMA SENATE RACE.
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OH, YEAH.
>> TRUMP CRITICIZED ROY MOORE'S
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DEMOCRATIC OPPONENT DOUG JONES
AS A "CHUCK SCHUMER PUPPET."
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BUT CLEARLY HE'S NOT A CHUCK
SCHUMER PUPPET.
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STATLER FROM THE MUPPETS --
THAT'S A CHUCK SCHUMER PUPPET.
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>> THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT
ERUPTED IN ANGER AFTER PRESIDENT
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TRUMP RETWEETED ANTI-MUSLIM
VIDEOS FROM A BRITISH HATE
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GROUP.
HERE TO RESPOND IS BRITISH PRIME
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MINISTER, THERESA MAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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>> HELLO, COLIN.
IT'S LOVELY TO BE HERE.
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THE UNITED KINGDOM SENDS ITS
APPRECIATION FOR THE SPECIAL
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FRIENDSHIP THAT WE SHARE.
>> REALLY?
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BECAUSE THINGS SEEM TO BE A
LITTLE TENSE RIGHT NOW BETWEEN
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YOU AND PRESIDENT TRUMP.
>> UH-HUH, BUT YOU KNOW THE
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BRITS, STIFF UPPER LIP.
WHEN WE ARE DEALING WITH TRUMP,
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IT'S MORE AKIN TO STIFF UPPER
LIP, LOWER LIP, STIFF ARMS,
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LEGS, AND YOU ARE PRETTY MUCH
PLAYING DEAD.
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BUT THE BRITISH PEOPLE KNOW I
CAN GIVE IT AS GOOD AS I GET IT.
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I'M NOT AFRAID OF A LITTLE
SOCIAL MEDIA FIST TO CUFFS.
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>> YEAH, YOU AND PRESIDENT
TRUMP, I SAW, REALLY GOT INTO IT
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ON TWITTER.
>> YES, AND I'VE NEVER FELT MORE
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ALIVE.
I SAW THOSE DREADFUL MUSLIM
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RETWEETS AND I PUT THAT MAN ON
BLAST.
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LISTEN TO THIS EPIC TAKEDOWN.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
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"IT IS WRONG FOR THE PRESIDENT
TO HAVE DONE THIS."
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[ LAUGHTER ]
SAVAGE.
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FLAME EMOJI.
I'M PRACTICALLY A TROLL NOW.
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>> RIGHT.
YEAH, AND THEN TRUMP RESPONDED
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TO YOUR STATEMENT WITH A TWEET
TELLING YOU TO BACK OFF.
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>> YES, BUT THE BITCH TAGGED THE
WRONG THERESA MAY.
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THAT'S INTERNET 101, BABY.
IT'S THRILLING TO ENGAGE IN A
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FLAME WAR, TO DUNK ON THE
THIRSTY BITCH.
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OH, IT'S ELECTRIC.
I'M HARD.
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I'M ACTUALLY HARD.
>> WOW, I GOTTA SAY, YOU SOUND
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LIKE A WHOLE NEW THERESA MAY.
>> MM-HMM, YES, I'M ON A ROLL
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NOW.
WHO ELSE WANTS TO GO A FEW
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ROUNDS WITH THERESA MAYWEATHER?
KIM JONG-UN?
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TAKE THIS TWEET.
MR. KIM JONG-UN, GOOD SIR, DO
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GROW UP.
#PLEASE."
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>> PRETTY GOOD.
>> TALK ABOUT GETTING OWNED.
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AND VLADIMIR PUTIN.
JUST THIS.
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THE SIDE EYE EMOJI.
HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS.
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IT'S CALLED SHADE, COLIN.
HE WILL BE FREAKING, I ASSURE
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YOU.
AND THEN I'LL FOLLOW IT UP WITH
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A VERY THREATENING EGG PLANT.
>> PRIME MINISTER, DO YOU KNOW
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WHAT THAT MEANS?
>> YES.
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES.
YOU HEAR THAT?
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HOW YOU LIKE US NOW?
BRITAIN IS BACK, BABY.
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THERESA MAY BE STRONG, AND
BELOVED BY ALL.
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I'M GOING FULL TRUMP.
AND EVEN MY OWN PEOPLE AREN'T
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SAFE.
LOOK AT THIS THREAD I WROTE ON
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PRINCE HARRY.
"CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR
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UPCOMING NUPTIALS.
BUT CHECK IT -- SHE OUT YOUR
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LEAGUE.
YOU LOOK LIKE ED SHEERAN, MINUS
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THE ABILITIES.
NEVERTHELESS, WOULD BANG."
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>> THERESA MAY, EVERYONE.
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