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Bannon Takes A Perp Walk | Biden's Infrastructure Bill Funds Everything That Makes America Go - YouTube
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WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT,
AND I AM COMING --
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- WE ARE BROADCASTING TO YOU ON
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AN HISTORIC NIGHT BECAUSE OUR
NATION'S LEADERS WERE FINALLY
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ABLE TO ANSWER ONE OF THE
THORNIEST QUESTIONS FACING OUR
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COUNTRY: SHOULD WE HAVE ROADS?
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( LAUGHTER )
TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED
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THE BIPARTISAN INFRASTRUCTURE
BILL, SURROUNDED BY MEMBERS --
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- SURROUNDED BY MEMBERS OF
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BOTH PARTIES, BOB THE BUILDER
THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE, AND
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TRUCKASAURUS.
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THIS BILL PROVIDES FUNDING FOR
EVERYTHING THAT MAKES THIS
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COUNTRY GO: PUBLIC
TRANSPORTATION, ROADS, BRIDGES,
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PORTS, RAILWAYS, POWER GRIDS,
AND BROADBAND INTERNET.
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BROADBAND!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S EVERYTHING.
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>> Stephen: THAT MEANS, THANKS
TO JOE BIDEN, MORE AMERICANS
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WILL HAVE ACCESS TO
HIGH-SPEED INTERNET, WHICH
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MEANS QUICKER LOAD-TIMES FOR ALL
THEIR QANON CONSPIRACY NEEDS.
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"I HEAR JOE BIDEN'S ACTUALLY A
SACK OF FLOUR ALIENS PUT IN A
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SUIT."
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( LAUGHTER )
FIXING ALL THAT CAN'T START SOON
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ENOUGH.
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AFTER DECADES OF INACTION, AT
LEAST 45,000 BRIDGES NATIONWIDE
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ARE CURRENTLY RATED IN "POOR"
CONDITION.
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WOW.
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FOLLOW-UP -- WHICH ONCE?
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( LAUGHTER )
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR WAZE TO TELL
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US AHEAD OF TIME?
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>> TURN LEFT AND CROSS THE
ROANOKE BRIDGE.
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BUT FIRST, YOU GOT TO ASK
YOURSELF A QUESTION.
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DO YOU FEEL LUCKY?
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WELL, DO YOU, PUNK?
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>> STEPHEN: HERE'S THE THING:
FUNDING ROADS AND BRIDGES DIDN'T
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USED TO BE SUCH A BIG DEAL.
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IN 1956, THE ORIGINAL
LEGISLATION THAT CREATED THE
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INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM HAD
STRONG BIPARTISAN SUPPORT,
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BECAUSE AS THEN-PRESIDENT
EISENHOWER FAMOUSLY SAID, "WHO
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DOESN'T WANNA GO VROOM VROOM
REAL FAST?"
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BUT NOW, NOT SO MUCH.
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OUR POLITICS ARE SO PARTISAN
AND BROKEN THAT THE G.O.P. HOUSE
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MEMBERS WHO VOTED IN FAVOR OF
INFRASTRUCTURE WERE TARGETED BY
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THEIR OWN PARTY TO STRIP THEM OF
THEIR HOUSE COMMITTEE
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ASSIGNMENTS AND EVEN GOT DEATH
THREATS.
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OKAY, ARE WE JUST DEATH
THREAT-ING EVERYTHING THESE
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DAYS?
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PRETTY SOON WE'RE GOING TO NEED
A NEW GREETING CARD SECTION:
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"DEATH TO A SPECIAL NEPHEW ON
HIS BIRTHDAY."
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PRESIDENT BIDEN NEEDS THIS
INFRASTRUCTURE WIN RIGHT NOW,
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BECAUSE THE ONLY THING CRUMBLING
FASTER THAN OUR ROADS IS HIS
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APPROVAL RATING, WHICH THE
ABC/"WASHINGTON POST"/PILLSBURY
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TOASTER STRUDEL POLL JUST
DROPPED TO A NEW LOW OF 41%,
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WHICH MEANS, IN TOTAL, HE'S
LOST 11 POINTS IN APPROVAL SINCE
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SPRING.
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THE ONLY PERSON WITH APPROVAL
PLUMMETING FASTER IS JAKE
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GYLLENHAAL.
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GIVE HER BACK HER SCARF, JAKE!
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BUT BIDEN'S NOT LETTING THINGS
LIKE THE APPROVAL OF THE
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AMERICAN PEOPLE GET HIM DOWN,
SAYING HE INTENDS TO RUN FOR
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REELECTION IN 2024, EVEN
THOUGH HE'D BE 86 AT THE END OF
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HIS SECOND TERM.
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HE'D BE THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO
SWITCH THE RED PHONE OVER TO
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CONSUMER CELLULAR.
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(AS OLD PERSON)
"THIS BUTTON DIALS 9-1-1, THIS
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ONE DIALS MY GRANDSON, AND THIS
ONE BOMBS IRAN.
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OOPS, I THINK I BOMBED MY
GRANDSON.
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BETTER CALL 9-1-1!"
IF BIDEN DOESN'T RUN, THE NEXT
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PERSON IN LINE WOULD BE VICE
PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I AGREE.
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LOVELY PERSON.
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ONLY ONE TEENSY PROBLEM: LAST
WEEK, HER APPROVAL DIPPED TO
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28%.
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TO PUT THAT INTO PERSPECTIVE,
THE MOVIE "BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN"
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HAS AN APPROVAL RATING OF 29%.
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( LAUGHTER )
SO, KAMALA HARRIS IS ONE PERCENT
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LESS POPULAR THAN WATCHING
TWO-AND-A-HALF HOURS OF BATMAN
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AND SUPERMAN WRESTLE EACH OTHER
THEN REALIZE THEIR MOMS HAVE THE
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SAME FIRST NAME, SO THEY DECIDE
TO BE FRIENDS.
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( LAUGHTER )
PEOPLE CLOSE TO HARRIS SAY SHE'S
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FRUSTRATED WITH BIDEN FOR
HANDING HER "NO-WIN" ISSUES LIKE
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THE BORDER CRISIS.
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WAIT, WHAT?
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YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT BEING
VICE PRESIDENT IS A THANKLESS
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JOB WITH NO REAL POWER?
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YOUR RESPONSE, VICE PRESIDENT
MEYER?
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>> YOU THINK?
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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YES, WHY DOESN'T SHE RUN?
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I WOULD VOTE FOR HER.
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>> STEPHEN: BUT HARRIS CLAIMS
SHE'S NOT WORRIED ABOUT 2024
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RIGHT NOW, AND IS INSTEAD
FOCUSED ON BEING "JOE BIDEN'S
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JOE BIDEN."
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OKAY, THAT SOUNDS RAMBLY AND
REPETITIVE, SO... GOAL ACHIEVED.
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( LAUGHTER )
OH, HEY -- HEY, YOU GUYS -- HEY,
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YOU GUYS REMEMBER JANUARY 6th?
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THERE MAY FINALLY BE SOME
ACCOUNTABILITY FOR ATTEMPTING TO
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DESTROY DEMOCRACY.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUST A LITTLE.
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A LITTLE WOULD BE NICE.
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BECAUSE ON FRIDAY, A FEDERAL
GRAND JURY
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INDICTED STEVE BANNON ON
CONTEMPT CHARGES.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S REAL.
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STEVE BANNON -- STEVE BANNON
MIGHT FINALLY FACE JUSTICE AND,
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IF HE GOES TO PRISON, FINALLY
TAKE A SHOWER.
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( LAUGHTER )
THIS MORNING, BANNON SURRENDERED
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TO THE F.B.I. IN WASHINGTON, AND
DURING THE PERP WALK, HE SAID
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THIS:
>> I JUST WANT TO SAY-- TELL
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EVERYBODY THAT LIVE STREAM ON
GETTR RIGHT NOW.
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EVERYBODY WATCHING IN THE
WAR ROOM, WE'RE HERE TODAY.
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I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO TAKE
THEIR EYE OFF THE BALL OF WHAT
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WE DO EVERY DAY.
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OKAY?
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YOU GOT RAHEEM KASSAM TODAY, YOU
GOT DR. PETER NAVARRO, CAPTAIN
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BANNON.
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>> STEPHEN: HE DID A PROMO FOR
HIS PODCAST ON HIS WAY TO JAIL.
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REMINDS ME OF THAT PRESS POOL
WITH LEE HARVEY OSWALD:
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>> I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY "I AM A
PATSY," AND THE HOST OF "BIG LEE
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HARVEY'S MORNING ZOO CREW WITH
CASTRO AND THE GOOCH!"
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>> THE GOOCH!
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(BOING)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
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>> Stephen: YOU NEVER HEAR
ABOUT THAT.
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NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THAT PART.
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>> Jon: HMM.
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>> Stephen: NOW, THIS IS A
VERY
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COMPLICATED LEGAL CASE.
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LET'S SEE IF I CAN BREAK IT DOWN
FOR YOU: CONGRESS SUBPOENAED
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BANNON TO TESTIFY.
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HE SAID NO, AND THAT'S ILLEGAL
( LAUGHTER )
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OKAY, IT'S LESS COMPLICATED THAN
I THOUGHT.
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BANNON REFUSED TO TESTIFY
BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT
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DIRECTED HIM "NOT TO PRODUCE
DOCUMENTS OR GIVE TESTIMONY THAT
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MIGHT REVEAL INFORMATION."
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AND NOW, BANNON'S FACING UP TO
TWO YEARS IN PRISON OUT OF
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LOYALTY.
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TO THIS GUY.
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WHICH IS SURPRISING
CONSIDERING THE FORMER PRESIDENT
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ONCE TWEETED, "SLOPPY STEVE
BANNON CRIED WHEN HE GOT FIRED
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AND BEGGED FOR HIS JOB.
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NOW SLOPPY STEVE HAS BEEN DUMPED
LIKE A DOG BY ALMOST EVERYONE.
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TOO BAD!"
( LAUGHTER )
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SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT --
THAT THE GUY YOU'RE GOING TO
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JAIL FOR?
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STEVE, MEET ME AT THE "HE'S JUST
NOT THAT INTO YOU CAM."
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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STEVE, DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID
ABOUT YOU THE SECOND IT WAS
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CONVENIENT?
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RESPECT YOURSELF AND MOVE ON.
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LOOK AT YOU.
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NO, DON'T DO THAT.
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DON'T DO THAT.
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( LAUGHTER )
LOOK, I KNOW YOU MISS HIM, BUT
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THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER
DICTATORS IN THE SEA!
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PLUS YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET
BACK THE SCARF THAT YOU LEFT AT
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HIS SISTER'S HOUSE.
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AND YES, I MAY HAVE LISTENED TO
"RED: TAYLOR'S VERSION" TOO MUCH
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THIS WEEKEND.
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POINT IS, THERE'S NO NEED TO GO
TO JAIL FOR JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
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I MEAN THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
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( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
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I LISTEN TO IT A LOT.
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NOT EVERYONE B, CLEARLY.
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( APPLAUSE )
CONGRESS SUBPOENAED BANNON TO
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HEAR ABOUT THE LEAD UP TO
JANUARY 6 AND THE BEHAVIOR OF
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FORMER PRESIDENT, DINGUS CON.
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( LAUGHTER )
AND WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT IT
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EVERY DAY THANKS TO JONATHAN
KARL'S BOOK "BETRAYAL."
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KARL JUST RELEASED AUDIO OF A
CONVERSATION FOR THE BOOK IN
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WHICH THE FORMER PRESIDENT
CONFIRMS HE CALLED MIKE PENCE
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THE P-WORD.
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>> THERE WAS A REPORT, EXCUSE MY
LANGUAGE.
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>> GO AHEAD.
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>> NOT MINE, IT WAS IN THE
REPORT.
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>> YEAH.
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>> THAT YOU TALKED TO HIM THAT
MORNING AND YOU SAID, YOU CAN BE
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A PATRIOT OR YOU CAN BE
A (BLEEP).
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DID YOU REALLY SAY THAT, OR IS
THAT INCORRECT?
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>> I WOULDN'T DISPUTE IT.
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>> REALLY?
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>> I WOULDN'T DISPUTE IT.
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( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: WE ALL KNOW THAT THE
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WORD FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES
EXACTLY WHAT THEIR BULLY TELLS
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THEM TO DO: PATRIOT.
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( LAUGHTER )
KARL ALSO ASKED THE FORMER
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PRESIDENT IF HE WAS WORRIED
ABOUT HIS VEEP DURING THE
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ATTACK ON THE CAPITAL:
>> WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HIM
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DURING THAT SIEGE?
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WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HIS
SAFETY?
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>> NO.
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I THOUGHT HE WAS WELL PROTECTED,
AND I HAD HEARD THAT HE WAS IN
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GOOD SHAPE.
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>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE HE WAS IN
GOOD SHAPE.
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RUNNING AWAY FROM A MOB IS
EXCELLENT CARDIO.
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KARL CONTINUED.
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>> BECAUSE YOU HEARD THOSE
CHANTS.
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THAT WAS TERRIBLE.
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I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THOSE--
>> HE COULD HAVE-- WELL, THE
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PEOPLE WERE VERY ANGRY.
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>> THEY WERE SAYING "HANG MIKE
PENCE."
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>> BECAUSE IT'S COMMON SENSE.
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>> STEPHEN: OH, YEAH, IT'S JUST
COMMON SENSE.
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WE ALL REMEMBER THE SIGN IN
DAD'S WORK SHOP.
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"MEASURE TWICE, HANG MIKE
PENCE."
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( LAUGHTER )
BUT KARL'S ISN'T THE ONLY NEW
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BOOK SPILLING THE TEA.
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FORMER NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR CHRIS
CHRISTIE HAS WRITTEN ONE CALLED
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"REPUBLICAN RESCUE: SAVING THE
PARTY FROM TRUTH DENIERS
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CONSPIRACY THEORISTS, AND THE
DANGEROUS POLICIES OF JOE
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BIDEN."
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ONE OF THOSE THREATS IS NOT LIKE
THE OTHERS.
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"WE MUST STAND UP AGAINST
ANTI-VAXXERS, QANON FOLLOWERS,
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AND RURAL BROADBAND."
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( LAUGHTER )
IN THE BOOK, CHRISTIE REVEALS
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THE SEVERITY OF HIS OWN
CORONAVIRUS INFECTION, ONE HE
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CAUGHT AFTER BEING AT THE WHITE
HOUSE AROUND THE SAME TIME THAT
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THE EX-PRESIDENT AND SEVERAL
OTHER AIDES CONTRACTED COVID-19.
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MAKES SENSE.
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YOU HANG AROUND THAT WHITE
HOUSE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET
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EXPOSED TO SOME NASTY STUFF.
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ALSO, COVID.
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( LAUGHTER )
WHILE HOSPITALIZED, CHRISTIE GOT
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A CALL FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT
WHO DIDN'T ASK HOW HE WAS DOING
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BUT INSTEAD ASKED, "ARE YOU
GONNA SAY YOU GOT IT FROM ME?"
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( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THAT'S A HELL OF A FRIEND.
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IT'S LIKE SIGNING SOMEONE'S
CAST, "TELL ANYONE I THREW YOU
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DOWN THE STAIRS, AND I'LL BREAK
THE OTHER ARM."
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( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
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TONIGHT.
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MY GUEST IS PAUL RUDD.
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PLUS A PERFORMANCE BY STING.
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鈾櫔
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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