Nikki Glaser’s Best Roast Moments - YouTube

Please welcome Nikki Glaser

Nikki Glaser

Nikki Glaser

David Spade, the host with the most...

step stools in your apartment.

[ Laughter ]

David, you've seriously influenced

so many female comics'... haircuts.

[ Laughter ]

Tonight, Jeff is dressed as Prince

...the prince of whales...

the animal. You're fat. [ Laughter ]

Jeff, if you changed your name to a symbol,

it would be the Arby's logo.

[ Laughter ]

Jeff. No, Jeff, I'll admit --

I have imagined Jeff without clothes.

It's how I stay thin.

[ Laughter ] Rob Riggle. [ Groans ]

I want to thank you so much

for fighting the war against terrorism...

and subtlety. [ Laughter ]

[ Applause ] Jimmy A. Carr...

is what Ralph Macchio has to do to find a place

to sleep every night.

[ Laughter ]

"Jimmy a car" -- That's pretty good.

Jewel is here, or, as I call her, "Trailer Swift."

[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]

Jewel, I do not want to bad-mouth

you since God already did.

[ Audience ohhs ] No. [ Laughter ]

I think your smile is cute.

I feel like your teeth are like the Spice Girls.

You know, they're all different colors,

and they're, like, doing their own thing, so that's --

[ Laughter ] It's fun. [ Applause ]

Peyton Manning is here. That's not for you guys.

That's for him.

Peyton, you're here right now. You've had a lot of concussions.

[ Laughter ] You're here.

[ Enunciating ] Don't murder your wife.

I don't know much about football,

but I love Peyton, uh, in commercials.

You're like -- You're so good in them, like legitimately.

I'd say you're the greatest of all time.

I'd say, like, you're like the Tom Brady

of being in commercials. You know, like, the greatest.

[ Cheers and applause ] Like, he's the greatest, right?

So... [ Laughter, whistle ]

And without "fuehrer" ado, Ann Coulter!

[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]

Oh, Ann. What's it like to be, like,

a real-life super villain, you know?

Like...I'd ask you how you sleep at night,

but I'd assume just upside-down in a robe of 101 dalmatians.

[ Laughter ]

Ann Coulter has 11 written books

-- 12 if you count "Mein Kampf." [ Laughter ]

Yes Ann's been called things like a racist,

anti-Semitic, homophobic, a white supremacist,

and that's just while getting plowed by Bill Maher.

[ Laughter ]

The only person you will ever make happy

is the Mexican who digs your grave.

[ Audience ohhs ] [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Chuckles ] Speaking of Hitler, Jeff,

you and Hitler have a lot in common

-- micro penis, you're bad at your art,

and no one cared about you till you started roasting people.

[ Audience groans ] Guys...

I can make that joke 'cause I'm not Jewish,

so I don't care.

[ Laughter ] Don't be mad.

At least I acknowledge the Holocaust.

Ann doesn't even think it happened.

[ Laughter ]

Speaking of deniable tragedies, Rob Lowe!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You're so [bleep] hot, I can't even stand it.

Rob defies age...restrictions. [ Laughter ] You really --

You're -- You're a [bleep] Adonis.

Look at you. You look like you're sculpted.

I mean, you put the "statue" in "statutory rape."

[ Laughter ] I mean, right?

God, I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl.

If only I'd known that's when I had my best shot.

[ Sighs ] [ Laughter ] Thank you so much.

[ Cheers and applause ] Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone!

[ Cheers and applause ] He's so cute, so adorable.

I bet you eat pussy but only with the crust cut off first.

Isn't that his look? Speaking of crusty pussy,

I'll get to you in a second, Cybill.

I, um... [ Laughter ] I know.

I know. Martha Stewart, "shank" you for being here.

[ Laughter ] Shank.

Seriously, and congratulations on getting that

Thai soccer team out of your vagina.

[ Audience groans, laughter ]

And into your sweatshops. That's where they are now.

Surprisingly, Martha said that prison food wasn't that bad.

Just, you know, as long as it was clean-shaven, so...

She loves attention to detail. Is she laughing?

I'm terrified of her. [ Laughter ]

No, I -- Honestly, Martha Stewart,

I'm a huge fan, and my mom is an even bigger fan.

My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart

about cooking and cleaning and withholding affection, so...

It's close to my heart. Kevin Pollak is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ah, such an amazing actor.

Most -- Uh, I know Kevin as, like,

one of the greatest impressionists of all time.

I'm a huge fan. My favorite of his is, um,

he does an amazing Robin Williams.

I-I just wish he would finish it.

[ Audience groans ]

Yeah. Okay, guys. Listen, all I'm saying

is that we've lost a lot of greats to suicide recently,

and it's time we lose some okays.

[ Laughter, groaning ] Cybill's gorgeous.

I'm, like, honored to meet her, and, um --

and her résumé is insane. Like, if you look at it,

it's just like model, actor, singer.

You name it, she's [bleep] it.

[ Laughter, groaning ]

I wish that wasn't true.

I don't know any of these people.

Cybill... Why am I here? Ugh.

Literally, you have, like, no friends.

Um... [ Laughter ]

It's truly so cool to be sharing the stage

with these badass women --

Cybill Shepherd, Martha Stewart, uh, Margaret Cho.

I'm sorry, Dom Irrera. I -- Uh, sorry. I thought that was...

[ Laughter ]

Dom Irrer-- I know. You sleepy potato.

[ Laughter ]

Dom, I love you, but how did you have a stroke

on both sides of your face?

-Explain that. -I don't know. I don't get it.

Dennis Rodman, what's up? Dennis Rodman!

I first met Dennis just earlier tonight

when he tried to sell me incense on the sidewalk.

[ Laughter ] I don't want any, okay?

Edward Norton is here.

[ Cheers and applause ] Hey, buddy.

Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy

and then that boy became an asshole. Right?

He was so hot in "Fight Club," right?

When he was Brad Pitt. That was nuts.

[ Laughter ] Now let's get to Bruce!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Bruce? -Yes? This is honestly a real --

a big personal moment for me to be here

roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star.

I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD

you kind of just find on the street.

[ Laughter ] Obviously, you had an amazing action-film career

until Jason Statham started balding.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just not familiar with action movies.

I don't know. I've never seen a single one of your films

consensually. Like...

it's always what some guy puts on

while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Maybe I didn't understand "The Fifth Element,"

and it wasn't 'cause I'm a dumb girl,

but because it's hard to follow that plot

when you're fighting off a roofie

and there's a knuckle inside you, you know? Just me?

Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense," though. I loved --

And the ending, when the guy came in my eye

and I didn't have to watch the rest of it, that was great.

A lot of people don't know

that Bruce is a very talented musician, because he isn't.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation,

which is where they make sick kids meet you so dying

doesn't seem so terrible. It's so cruel.

Bruce, in all honesty, thank you for having me here.

You're really cool. You're so hot.

And this is a special night. You really are.

It's a special night, obviously. Your family --

Your daughters must be so proud of their father, Ashton Kutcher.

[ Laughter ] Thank you very much. Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Oh, that's so good. -Thank you. I got 'em.

Sorry. Thank you.

- Sean Hayes! Keep it going for the reason

Mike Pence says we have hurricanes.

[laughter]

You look like the little man on top of a wedding cake

that a bakery would refuse to make for you.

"Will & Grace" was really the best you could do.

It just... Just Jack! Just Jack is--

it's also what I'm gonna do in my hotel room alone

after sitting next to Blake Griffin all night.

Jesus Christ. You're so hot. What the fuck?

You're so--I'd fuck you in front of my grandparents.

I--that's how-- I almost want to, you know?

I feel like Mimi would be proud.

Blake, you look like a black guy

that got made by a printer running out of ink.

That's-- Yeah.

Chris Redd is here because Comedy Central

wasn't sure if Blake was black or not.

You look great, Chris.

Uh, you always dress like a nine-year-old

who just found $1,000 on the sidewalk.

[laughter]

At this point, like, what can you say about Jeff Ross

that he hasn't heard before?

It's like--uh, oh. "I respect you."

Um, "You look nice tonight."

"Here's your salad, sir." Stuff like that.

Okay, Jeff, you look like if Popeye only ate Popeye's.

[laughs] Checks out.

- Come back, no. - No, Jeff, no.

Don't break the couch. Your face...

Your face has a dad bod. Let's--

Jeff gets really hot girls and I just--I don't--

how do you get 10s?

Teens, I'm sorry, I read that wrong.

How do you get-- you have the sex appeal

of a gymnastics doctor. I just don't understand.

[scoffs] Robert De Niro is here.

Looking like ALF.

I can't even believe I get to share this stage

with you tonight, Robert De Niro.

And by this stage, I mean the final one of your life.

It's-- [audience groaning]

I'm sorry. I don't feel right about any of this.

Caitlyn Jenner, I just want to thank you

for all you've done for the trans movement

and the size 16 stiletto industry.

You were such an incredible athlete.

People forget just how fast you once ran from your first family

to go be on a reality show.

[laughter] - I like that one.

- Seriously, though, I know being a new mom is hard.

But even Casey Anthony

knows the current location of her daughter.

- Oh, my God. - Okay. Thank you.

You're a Republican. I don't know why.

You've already gained control over a woman's body.

[laughter]

What does that party have to do to lose your support?

Be your son? [audience groaning]

Caitlyn, I know you've only publicly identified

as a woman for a few years,

but I just want you to know that I know that, deep down,

you have always been a [...].

And, uh-- [laughter]

I spell it with a K, though, for you.

You're great. Thank you, you're great.

Alec Baldwin, what an honor to be here roasting

Justin Bieber's wife's oldest, fattest uncle.

It's like-- I'll never forget that voice mail, um,

that--what you called your daughter

Ireland a thoughtless little pig.

Um, that's got to be one of the worst things

you can call your daughter.

After Ireland, actually. That's-- that name, yikes.

Speaking of terrible names, your wife's name is Hilaria.

Is it "Hi-lair-ia"? It's--it's "Hi-lair-ia"?

- "E-lar-ia"

- "E-lar-ia"? Oh, it's so stupid. Okay, um--

It doesn't matter. She's so hot. Dude, she's so hot and fit.

Does getting screamed at burn calories?

You have four kids under the age of six.

I just--how do you do it?

I mean, isn't your semen just oatmeal at this point?

[laughter]

Oh, Robert just got excited when I said "oatmeal."

He started salivating.

Your-- your night nurse is warming it up backstage.

It'll be ready in the break. I'm such a fan of the Baldwins.

I've never been so sure

that four people have buried a hooker together.

[laughter]

In all seriousness, I want to thank Alec.

Um, in his memoir, he bravely admitted

that he had once considered suicide.

And I just want to say that that meant a lot to me

because I have also considered your suicide.

And I have some ideas.

I even know what I'm gonna wear. Alec, thank you so much

for having me here tonight. Thank you.

[cheers and applause] [upbeat music]

- You are fucking funny. Holy shit.