Brewstew - Rat Hunting - YouTube

Alright, so this story is a little disgusting

It's a story about my roommate Brewer and myself living in a house, infested with rats

Delicious!

Now, after all the haunted duplex shenanigans

Me and Brewer decided to move into an even shittier house

In the even shittier neighbourhood

And instead of dealing with demon ghosts, we get to deal with a bunch of disgusting-ass rats

I think I'd rather live with like a pissed-off orangutan

Or something like that instead

"Uh, Mr.Bubbles? Do you find if we watch Netflix in here?"

"HRHRHWRWHRWRHWHRW"

"Oh, God!"

*human and ape screams*

Now, when we moved in, we obviously didn't know that the house was infested

But after a couple of days, we started seeing tiny poop pellets in the kitchen

"Uhm, hey, have you been leaving little tiny turds around the house?"

"Uuuhm, no?"

"Huh! Well, I wonder what that's all about"

It wasn't until one night I was in the bathroom taking a dump

I look over, and I see the ass of a rat hanging out of the hole in the wall

Well, that's not something you want to see, while you're totally vulnurable, taking a poop

"Oh my God! What do I do? What do I do?!"

My first instinct was to grab a pair of scissors and cut its tail off

But then I was like: 'No, that's fucked up! That's like some Jeffrey Dahmer shit'

What the hell is the matter with you?

So in mid-poop, with my pants around my ankles, I open the door and yell:

"RATS, WE GOT RATS IN THE HOUSE! INVADING MY PRIVACY!"

Now, it's important to note, that this wasn't a mouse

Mouse is little, it's cute, it's friends with Donald Duck

People like mice

Rats, on the other hand, they're big, they're nasty

And they couldn't give two fucks about Donald Duck

Now, my bedroom in this house was on the bottom floor

So that means I could hear the rats outside my door all night long

Now, that's pretty damn disgusting

All I could think about was: 'Well, what the hell happens if one of them comes in here?'

"Hey..Hey, what's the password to your Netflix account?"

"We want to watch season four of Scrubs out there!"

I'd open my bedroom door, they'd all scatter every which way

But there was one big-ass rat that was like twice the size of any of the other ones

A goddamn thing was like half the size of Brewer's dog

It was the Megazord of rats

That goddamn thing looked like a boss from the Mortal Kombat game

It was not afraid of me at all

It'd just be staring at me like: "The fuck are you looking at?!"

"Why don't you get in the kitchen and make me some Bagel Bites?"

So needless to say we had a big problem on our hands

People stopped coming to our house and shit

"I'm not going over there, I don't want typhus"

Well, I'll be damned, if I'm gonna live up to my asshole in the bunch of rats

Desperate times call for desperate measures

So the next night I'm lying on the living room floor with the BB gun

I got the cupcake out of kitchen as bait, It's time to pull a Lee Harvey Oswald

And assassinate me a few rats

I actually got a real footage of this fantastic time of my life

Boom! Right there is the cupcake, buttercream frosting, it's delicious

And look who shows up Fat-ass rat looking to party

I take the shot

And I totally fuck it up

Well, Sam Lee Harvey Oswald I am

Jesus Christ, my ass wouldn't even hit the JFK's convertible, shooting like that

So let's slow the footage down and analyze it like some little rat Zapruder film

Here's the shot

And this goddamn rat does some Neo from the Matrix backflip bullshit

Over my goddamn bullet

Okay, so clearly the BB gun is not gonna work

Time to move on to rat poison

We sprinkle a bit of rat poison right on the front step of these assholes' house

And sure as hell the next day it's all gone They damn well licked that plate clean

Two days later I go into our basement and there's four dead rats on the ground

Alright, job well done. But wait a minute, where's that big bastard at?

That goddamn Megazord rat is nowhere to be seen

Two more days go by I'm sitting in my room, watching TV

And lo and behold, the Big Kahuna himself comes crawling across the floor in broad daylight

Like somebody's drunk uncle, and just dies right there in the middle of the living room

Here's the picture of that goddamn thing

I put a little Taco Bell packet in there, so you can get a reference of the size

But before we can celebrate, Brewer's dog prances on it

She sees that dead rat, she's like: "Oooh, what do we have here?"

"A dead rat? Full of disease and poison? Well, I better have a lick!"

*nom-nom-nom-nom*

Surely afterwards, I walk out there

See Brewer's dog making out with this rat carcass

The dog looks up on my like: "Well, I wasn't just gonna leave it there"

"I am a god, you stupid ass!"

So I panic, I call Brewer while he's at work

And I'm like:"Uuh, your dog was just licking a dead rat like an icecream cone"

"You got any last words you wanna say to her?"

But she was alright

We took her to a vet afterwards, and they gave her some medicine

"How about you don't let your dog eat dead rats?"

So our house was officially rat-free, nobody got typhus

And I could poop in peace again

The end.

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