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Tosh.0 - Web Redemption - Annie, Don't Fall - YouTube
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>> Go.
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Go, go, go.
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Go, go, go.
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Don't fall.
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Don't fall off.
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Annie, don't fall.
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>> This is what girls will
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resort to if we ever get rid
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of Planned Parenthood.
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She died.
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No redemption this week, guys.
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We'll be right back.
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LOL.
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That's Annie, and she tried to
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get cute in a cruise ship
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stairwell, but like every girl,
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she's unable to do
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anything fun.
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If you've ever been inside
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a crowded Walmart and said,
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"I'd like to spend a solid week
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with these people,"
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then cruises are for you.
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They depart out of Florida,
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and things only get
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less classy from there.
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It's a floating nursing home.
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There's nothing more 'merican
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than docking a ten-story
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food court off the coast
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of a starving yet scenic
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third-world country.
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They're the perfect trip
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for lazy white people
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who are too stupid or too racist
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to learn enough Spanish
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to order a margarita.
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Does your local Golden Corral
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lack breathtaking ocean views?
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Try Carnival Cruise Lines.
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Did I mention there's
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a rock wall?
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And what better way
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to experience Jamaica's
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rich zip-lining culture?
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A cruise ship is an enormous
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toilet in the middle
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of the crystal clear Caribbean.
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Do husbands push their wives
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overboard, or do women jump
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because they married a guy who
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considers a cruise a vacation?
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When I first laid eyes on Annie,
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I said, "Danny, don't fall."
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But it was too late.
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That's why I gave her
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a luxurious one-night,
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half-day trip to Hollywood,
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where the only cruise
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I want to go down on
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is Penelope,
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in this week's Web Redemption.
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That's my time,
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you fat [bleep].
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Go get some more salt.
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Thank you.
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Make it a strong one, Carlos.
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I had 14 shows today,
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and sadly that was the best one.
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>> You got a drink ticket?
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>> Yes, I got a drink ticket.
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Bunch of cheap sons of bitches.
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Join me?
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>> I'm only 17.
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>> ♪ She's only 17 ♪
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>> ♪ 17 ♪
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>> Attention: we are now
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in international waters.
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>> Ah, doesn't matter anymore.
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>> Maritime law.
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>> Maritime law!
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>> What's maritime law?
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>> It means that legally
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I'm allowed to boink you.
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I could even murder you
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if I wanted.
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Which I don't.
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Were you an orphan,
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or did your mom name you Annie?
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>> Actually, my name's Ann.
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>> Who calls you Annie?
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>> Everyone.
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>> Everyone.
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Where you from?
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>> South Carolina.
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>> South Carolina.
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You ever get to that
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Myrtle Beach stripper convention
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I been hearing so much about?
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>> You know, I haven't.
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It's on the bucket list, though.
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>> You like South Carolina?
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>> I do.
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>> How do you feel
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about the Confederate flag?
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>> [laughs]
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>> How many cruises
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have you been on?
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>> I think 16.
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>> 16 crui--why?
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>> We just like them.
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>> Oh, do you go with
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your family?
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Do you ever get to go alone?
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>> No, you have to be 21
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to go alone.
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>> So you have to have
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a guardian?
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>> I can have anyone over 21.
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>> Anyone over 21's allowed
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to take a 17-year-old
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to a cruise?
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>> Yes.
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>> They don't have to be
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related to you?
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>> I don't think so.
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>> Man, maritime law.
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>> Maritime law!
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>> Love it.
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When are you gonna be 18,
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speaking of the countdown?
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>> The day after Christmas.
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>> Oh, what a gift to all of us.
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All right, what happened
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in that video?
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>> Um, I was sliding
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down the railing.
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It didn't work out.
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>> Now, it looked like you died.
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>> Right.
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>> How painful was it?
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>> Well, I landed on the railing
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below me.
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>> Okay, so that broke
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your fall.
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>> It broke my fall--and my rib.
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>> It broke your rib?
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>> Yes.
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>> Did you go see
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the cruise ship doctor?
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>> I did not.
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>> There is a cruise ship
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doctor.
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>> Yes, I think so.
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>> That seems sketchy.
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You know there's also a morgue
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on a lot of cruise ships?
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>> Really?
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>> Yeah.
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In case people die on a cruise
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ship, they're not gonna ruin
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everybody's fun.
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They put them on ice
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and keep the party going.
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>> [laughs]
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>> It's true.
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>> Yeah?
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>> I mean, I don't know
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if it's true.
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I mean, it does make sense.
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Doesn't it seem like--
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I mean, in cruise ships
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are a lot of old people.
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>> True.
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>> So you know people are dying
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on cruise ships.
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And I can't imagine that they're
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turning around, like,
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"Back to Fort Lauderdale."
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Why did you fall when your
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friends clearly told you
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not to fall?
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By the way, did you hear that
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as you were falling?
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>> Her annoying voice? Yes.
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>> Annie, don't fall.
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>> Why'd her voice
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sound like that?
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>> So...
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>> She a trucker?
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She smoke?
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>> [laughs]
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Everyone asked her for
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cigarettes the whole week.
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>> Have you ever been
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on a real vacation?
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>> What do you consider
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a real vacation?
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>> You know, a hotel, land.
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>> Yes.
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>> All right, tell me the best
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story about diarrhea
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on a cruise ship.
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>> I don't think I have one.
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My brother's friend, though,
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the last night of a cruise
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a few years ago, did, like,
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throw up all night in the
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bathroom, so me and my friend
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had to go sleep in the hallway
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'cause it smelled so bad.
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So a little maid woke us up
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in the morning and was like,
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"You can't sleep here."
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>> Okay, I don't know what
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racist accent that was.
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>> But she was--
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>> But it was spot-on?
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>> Yeah.
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>> Understood.
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What a fun drink.
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Has fish in it.
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Did you know your friend was
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a perv and into up-skirt videos?
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>> That was a surprise
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to all of us.
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But, I mean, she's always been
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overly friendly, but...
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>> I'll be--I didn't check.
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But you can't, like, pause it
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and see a shot?
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>> No, I don't think you can,
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like, actually, like...
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>> Okay, good.
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>> See anything.
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>> Were you going commando?
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>> No, thank God.
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>> Thank goodness.
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Has anybody ever been murdered
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on a cruise ship while you've
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been on it?
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>> Not that they've let me know.
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>> Do they helicopter
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people off?
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>> We've, like, picked up people
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in a little, like,
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run-down ship or something.
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>> Were you scared that it
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was pirates?
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>> No.
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>> Do they teach you how to work
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the hoses to spray
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the pirates off?
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>> No.
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>> No?
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>> No.
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>> You get a hose.
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You spray them.
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They hate to be sprayed
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in the face.
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They're like cats.
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>> Pirates are like cats?
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>> Very much so.
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Careful. You're drunk.
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>> Attention, passengers:
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the buffet is down to its last
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2,000 pounds of popcorn shrimp.
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>> Brace for the shift!
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>> Take me to your cabin.
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>> They upgraded me to a room
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20 floors below sea level.
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It's right next to the engine
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on the Mexican cartel's
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storage deck.
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This is the fastest way to go.
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I do not do elevators.
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>> Annie, don't fall.
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Annie, don't fall.
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Annie, don't fall.
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>> Annie, are you okay?
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Are you okay?
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Are you okay, Annie?
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>> Yeah, sorry.
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I was just having a flashback.
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>> I'll never let you fall.
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>> Ah!
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>> [laughing]
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>> Whee!
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I bet you do this
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for all the girls.
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>> No. Stop talking.
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I'm almost finished.
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>> I look like a fat
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Kate Winslet.
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>> Annie!
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>> I don't feel so good.
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>> Well, sure.
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You're a 17-year-old girl who's
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been drinking all night long,
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which, I'd like to remind
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the viewers at home,
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is completely legal
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in international waters.
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>> Maritime law!
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>> Maritime law!
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Let's get you some fresh air.
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There, there.
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Let it all out.
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Let it all out.
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That's a big girl.
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>> We are no longer
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in international waters.
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>> Okay.
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>> [screams]
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>> Annie, don't fall.
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Hey.
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Annie had a little concussion
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and washed ashore,
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where she was picked up
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by Kurt Russell and forced
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to mother his children.
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We'll be right back, but first,
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