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Conan Asks The Property Brothers To Renovate Jordan Schlansky's Office | CONAN on TBS - YouTube
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I haven't mentioned this
gentlemen for a while,
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but I do need to discuss him tonight.
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We have an associate
producer, you may know him.
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He's on our show and his
name is Jordan Schlansky.
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Yeah, we'll insert some booing there.
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Anyway, for as long as I can remember,
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Jordan's office has been
an embarrassing mess.
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Well, earlier this year,
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just before our studio was shut down
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by the COVID-19 pandemic,
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I mean, literally like two weeks before,
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I called in some big names
to tackle a renovation
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of Jordan's office, okay?
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We were gonna make this a great remote.
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We brought a camera crew, we
even screened what we shot
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for an audience back
in March, literally one
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of the last audiences we had
before COVID shut us down.
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Then the lockdown hit and we had to delay
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completing Jordan's office
renovation, until now.
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(audience applauding)
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As you know, I worked with
a guy named Jordan Schlansky
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who is a terrible slob.
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Just a pig, his office is a mess,
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I've tried many times to clean it up,
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and it's dirty again, immediately.
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I'm sick of it, I give up.
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That's why I brought in the big guns,
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The Property Brothers.
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We're glad to be here,
I mean this really shows
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that as his employer, how
much you care about him.
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Oh, no, I'm happy if he dies tomorrow.
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Hello.
Hi.
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Have you met the Property Brothers?
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No I have not.
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Usually I stand when
people come into the room
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and I greet them, I
think that's more polite.
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Would you like to stand?
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I'm comfortable the way I am.
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We've offered to do this
for free to help you,
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and this is taking up
a fair bit of our time,
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because I mean, look at the space.
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This is a lot to tackle and we're here
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to actually add some features that really
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make this the pimped out space
that you would like to have.
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I don't want to put anything in here.
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I didn't initiate this
whole practice at all.
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Let's put this politely,
I'm not asking you,
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I'm telling you, we're going
to get clean up this space,
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Okay.
because you represent Conan,
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and I am known for class,
I am known for aesthetics,
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I'm known for or a high level of design.
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Look, you gentlemen
clearly have an agenda.
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I'm going to remain
passive in this situation.
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Why don't you proceed
to do what you intend.
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Oh my God.
We're giving you
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an office upgrade.
Is that what you say
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before you're molested (laughing)?
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(audience laughing)
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For God's sake.
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You'd last long in prison.
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Well, you gentlemen have an agenda,
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I will remain passive,
and you do as you please.
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What's a couple things about yourself
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that would help us understand
what's important to you?
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What are your interests?
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I'm a deep thinker.
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I explore inward, as well as outward.
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Let me help you, you
love Italy, do you not?
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I do.
I got married
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in Italy, so I mean, I
know Italy very well.
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You say you got married in Italy,
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therefore you know Italy very well.
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Are those two things
necessarily connected?
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You're weird.
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I did my research.
He was sharing with you.
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What about something very cool,
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like, I don't know, like a pasta station?
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Yes, a food area where they would
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be making you fresh pasta in your office.
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Would you like that?
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The problem with eating
carbohydrates on their own
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without protein, fat, and
fiber to balance them out
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is that creates a spike in blood sugar.
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Then the pancreas secretes
insulin to remove the sugar
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from the blood, that
sugar is stored as fat.
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The body is a very efficient
mechanism and you don't want
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to waste that energy.
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So you don't like Italy?
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Personal grooming is
very important to you.
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You like to shave the body,
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shave the face?
Sure, I respect
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the human body that we've all been given
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and I like to present it in
its best possible condition.
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Well you know what?
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We share some traits.
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I take care, yes.
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I mean I have no hair.
He's lasered his whole body.
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Let me see, you actually
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shave your body.
I've no, no lasered it.
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I lasered it.
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I believe in just having
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regular dude hair.
Have you removed
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the hair from your chest?
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I lasered twice.
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Yeah, it doesn't seem
consistent with the hair
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on your legs.
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No.
In fact, all three of us
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have modified our body hair.
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In this scenario, you're the odd man out.
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I believe in letting it grow.
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It looks like a copper
Brillo pad beneath my belt,
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and that's my way of going
because I've been in a very,
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very long marriage, and
well, I think enough said.
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(audience laughing)
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Why do you have?
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OMG.
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[Conan] Why do you have this here?
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This is a toilet stool.
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It ensures proper orientation
of the puborectalis muscle,
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which is the muscle that
maintains continence.
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So, this is like a Squatty Potty knockoff.
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No, this is a Squatty Potty.
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Of course it is.
This is their
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luxurious model, it's made of bamboo
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as opposed to a lower quality plastic.
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Why is it still in the box?
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I haven't unpacked and assembled it yet.
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I have a feeling he uses
it and then puts it back
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in the box.
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It's the only thing that's
organized in this office.
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Hold on a second.
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Why do you have two of them?
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Why do you have two?
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Hey, do you go up to people
in the subway and say,
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"How about a little side-by-side pooping?"
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What about a toilet?
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Could we put a toilet in
this space, so he could...
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He might literally never leave.
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Would you be willing to
evacuate your bowels in here
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if there was a toilet?
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I don't do that in the workplace.
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How do you, you save it up for all day?
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Like you save up for 10 hours?
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My body's on a natural rhythm.
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I've taken great steps
to ensure the natural
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digestive rhythm of my body.
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I take a probiotic supplement.
What are you saying?
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Are you being serious?
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You don't defecate at work?
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You can't control your bodily functions?
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What, you can't what?
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When he loses it, it's great.
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No, it's not, the way he laughs
his eyebrows get so crazy.
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(audience laughing)
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No, I don't need to come to the workplace
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and evacuate my bowels.
That is not healthy,
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when you have to go, you have to go.
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I don't have to go.
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So you have never pooped at work?
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No.
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That's insane, that's crazy.
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How do you plan that out?
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My body follows a natural
rhythm, it's almost circadian.
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I'm surprised that you are
caught unaware so often.
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Do you defecate at work?
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Jordan, all people
eventually, first of all,
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I'm a celebrity, and
as they will tell you,
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we just don't defecate at all.
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No.
No, no.
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But you as a person, everyone does.
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How many times a week would
you say you defecate at work?
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Well, I think you're talking about a very,
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this is a disgusting topic.
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Well, I didn't initiate the topic.
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You're the one that introduced the topic
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by having not one, but
two bamboo Squatty Potty.
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So before the show is when you'll normally
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evacuate your bowels, if you need to?
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I've done it during the show, back,
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that's why we had a desk.
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And one of the investors in the film
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came from Council Bluffs, Iowa
to help us make the movie.
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Which consisted of him
in a Brooks Brothers suit
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in a cornfield.
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Would you evacuate your
bowels here in the privacy
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of your own room, if we had sort
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of like a prison toilet here?
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I wouldn't evacuate my
bowels in this workplace,
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whether there was, or was
not a toilet in this office.
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I will not eat green eggs and ham.
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I will not defecate, Sam I am.
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Decorative elements, do
you have any thoughts?
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Yeah, I mean if you want
this to really embrace
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your passion for Italy, maybe like a,
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like a marble statue
or something like that.
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That'd be fantastic.
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No, I don't see the value in that,
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I'm sorry.
Well, then that would
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be a yes.
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Look at that.
Look at that.
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(baroque music)
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And that is the size.
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Conan came in early and measured it out.
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Actually, I'd be happy with that.
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[Jonathan] I mean, it
looks pretty nice, eh?
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Jordan, congratulations,
and now do the thing
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other humans do, which is
thank Jonathan and Drew
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for their help.
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Thank you.
Pleasure.
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Thank you.
You're welcome.
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Look forward to seeing your
face when we're all done.
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Okay.
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Normally this is where we'd show you
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our 3D computer animation and talk about
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how the renovation would proceed.
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Yeah, but our big plans
for Jordan's office,
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that went out the window
when the pandemic hit.
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In fact, since Conan's Warner
Brothers studio closed down,
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and was abandoned by humans
over five months ago,
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Jordan's office was turned into
a breeding ground for rats,
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raccoons, and the nine banded armadillo.
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(upbeat music)
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[Drew] As a result, Jordan's
office has been condemned
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by the city of Burbank, which forced us
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to rethink our renovation.
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First, we're gonna return
Jordan to his office,
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then re-imagine the
entryway by sealing it up
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with beautiful reclaimed
brick, imported from Tuscany,
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giving Jordan's final resting
place the Italian style
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and look he craves.
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So Jordan will be sealed
off from all human contact
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and run out of oxygen pretty
quickly, is that right?
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Mm, two hours tops.
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Fantastic.
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Oh my God, this is exactly
what I dreamed it would be.
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I'm not sure about Jordan,
but Conan seems pretty happy
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about the outcome.
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He does, oh actually Conan,
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something we're extremely happy about,
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it's the "Brother Versus
Brother," premiere on HGTV.
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Very smooth segue.
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I try.
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[Both] Thanks Conan.
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