Deal or No Deal Cold Open - SNL - YouTube

>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "DEAL OR NO DEAL."

GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN WITH YOUR HOST, HOWIE MANDELL!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I'M SORRY. IT'S ME, STEVE HARVEY.

YOU KNOW? HOWIE'S OUT SICK.

HE'S A GERMOPHOBE. YESTERDAY I WAS LIKE COME ON,

HOWIE, SHAKE ONE PERSONS HAND, AND HE SHOOK IT, TWO HOURS LATER

EBOLA. MY BAD, HOWIE.

ALRIGHT NOW, OUR GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR LIKE A MONTH.

I SPENT TWO HOURS YESTERDAY AT TSA IN ATLANTA, AND THEY THOUGHT

I WAS SMUGGLING EXTRA TEETH IN MY MOUTH.

LET'S BRING OUT THE GUY WHO SAID HE WOULD OWN THE SHUT DOWN.

HE'S THE PRESIDENT, AND WE'VE BOTH GOT NECK TIES LONG ENOUGH

THAT WOULD GET CAUGHT IN A ROOMBA.

PLEASE WELCOME DONALD TRUMP! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> THANKS STEVE. TREMENDOUS TO BE HERE.

JUST TREMENDOUS. WOW, THAT WAS A LONG RUN.

>> ALL RIGHT, NOW EARLIER TODAY YOU WENT ON THE TV, AND YOU TOLD

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT YOU WANT TO MAKE A DEAL.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, STEVE. >> ALL RIGHT, SO WE DECIDED TO

DO THIS IN THE ONLY FORMAT THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND, A TV GAME

SHOW WITH WOMEN HOLDING BRIEF CASES.

ALRIGHT NOW IN YOUR BRIEF CASE HERE, YOU'VE THE DEAL THAT

CONGRESS OFFERED YOU IN DECEMBER.

>> AND I SAID NO DEAL. [ RING ]

>> YEAH. NOBODY'S EXCITED ABOUT THAT

PLAYER. WHAT WAS YOUR COUNTEROFFER

TODAY? >> I WANT $5 BILLION FOR MY BIG

BORDER WALL, AND IN EXCHANGE I'LL EXTEND DACA, AND I'LL

RELEASE THE KIDS FROM CAGES SO THEY CAN BE, YOU KNOW,

FREE-RANGE KIDS. >> OKAY.

WELL, LET'S SEE THE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WILLING TO OFFER YOU A

NEW DEAL SO THIS NONSENSE CAN GO AWAY.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO SAY, MR. PRESIDENT?

>> FIVE. >> YOU WANT TO OPEN BRIEF CASE

NUMBER FIVE? >> NO, I'M SAYING A LOT OF THESE

WOMEN ARE FIVES. ON THE DAY OF THE WOMEN'S MARCH.

>> OKAY, THEN I CHOOSE CASE NUMBER THREE.

FANCY NANCY PALOSER. I'M STILL WORKING ON THE

NICKNAME. >> WELL THAT'S A GREAT START

PLAYER. OKAY, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE,

NANCY PELOSI. NANCY, HOW ARE YOU FEELING

TONIGHT? >> ME?

JUST NORMAL. NOT LIKE DRUNK ON MY OWN POWER

OR ANYTHING. >> OKAY, WOW.

NOW YOU REJECTED THE PRESIDENT'S OFFER THIS AFTERNOON.

WHICH IS A SHAME BECAUSE I HATE SAYING NO TO YOU, MR. TRUMP.

>> OKAY. I'M SCARED.

ALRIGHT, LET'S SEE WHAT'S IN THE BRIEF CASE, NANCY.

>> $1 BILLION, AND YOU SAY NANCY IS MY MOMMY.

>> OKAY, $1 BILLION FOR BORDER SECURITY.

THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY. >> YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT 5 BILLION,

AND I NEED $5 BILLION BECAUSE THAT'S THE FIRST RANDOM NUMBER I

SAID. NO DEAL.

>> OH, NO. >> ARE YOU6 >> YOU ALMOST GAVE

ME MY THIRD HEART ATTACK OF THE DAY.

>> I'M SORRY, MR. PRESIDENT. IF THE GOVERNMENT'S SHUT DOWN

YOU CAN'T DO THE STATE OF THE UNION.

IT'S FOR SECURITY REASONS, NOT BECAUSE I'M VINDICTIVE OR

ANYTHING. >> I CAN'T DO THE STATE OF THE

UNION, THEN GUESS WHAT. YOU'RE NOT FLYING TO

AFGHANISTAN. >> OH, NO!

I CAN'T GO ON MY VACATION TO A WAR ZONE?

WHAT WILL I DO? >> YOU KNOW, THAT WAS LIKE

WATHING TWO GRANDPARENTS FIGHTING OVER THE THERMOSTAT.

ALRIGHT NANCY, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE.

DONNY, LET'S PICK ANOTHER ONE PLEASE.

>> I'LL TAKE THAT OLDER JEWISH WOMAN ON CASE FOUR.

>> OKAY, THAT'S CHUCK SCHUMER. >> OH, THAT'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I'M VERY HAPPY FOR ANY ATTENTION.

>> ALRIGHT CHUCK, WHAT IS YOUR OFFER?

>> MY OFFER IS, WHATEVER YOU WANT.

>> WE'RE NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE. I'M NOT CAVING LIKE THAT.

>> OH RIGHT, YEAH, PROJECTING STRENGTH.

OKAY, IN THAT CASE, I'M GOING TO PUT ON MY FIERY RED CHEETAHS.

AND MY OFFER IS $15, AND A PASTRAMI ON RYE.

>> OKAY, "DEAL OR NO DEAL," MR. PRESIDENT.

AND REMEMBER, ANY TIME YOU CHOOSE NO DEAL, A HALF A MILLION

FEDERAL EMPLOYEES WORK ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT GETTING PAID.

>> COOL STORY BRO. NO DEAL.

>> WELL, SPEAKING OF GETTING PAID, I NEED TO THANK OUR

SPONSORS TONIGHT. GREEN BEEF.

SHOULDN'T BE GREEN, BUT AIN'T NOBODY AT THE FDA THERE TO

INSPECT IT. AND ALSO, OLD LADY IN INNER TUBE

WAY OUT IN THE OCEAN. COAST GUARD WILL BE BACK SOON.

HANG IN THERE BETH. ALL RIGHT, PICK AGAIN PLAYER.

>> I SURE WILL, PLAYER. >> HEY, HEY, IT DON'T WORK BOTH

WAYS. I AIN'T KANYE.

>> OKAY, I WILL GO WITH CASE NINE, STEVE.

>> OKAY, THAT'S PLAYBOY MITCH McCONNELL.

YOU CAN'T JUST DISAPPEAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.

COME ON NOW. POKE YOUR HEAD BACK OUT YOUR

SHELL. WE GOT A NICE LITTLE JUICY PIECE

OF LETTUCE FOR YOU. WELL, HE AIN'T GOING TO BE MUCH

HELP MR. PRESIDENT. BUT I HAVE TO ASK, WHO ARE YOU

PLAYING FOR TONIGHT? >> I'M PLAYING FOR A LITTLE

CHARITY CALLED HABITAT FOR HANNITY TO HELP SEAN HANNITY

BUILD A SECOND BEACH HOUSE. >> JUST PICK ANOTHER NUMBER.

>> THAT'S NUMBER FIVE. >> I SAID MAXINE IS A VERY LOW

IQ PERSON. >> I CAN NOW SUBPOENA YOUR TAX

RETURNS WHENEVER I WANT. >> A TRUE JENNIOUS AND

BEAUTIFUL. >> THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT,

MOTHER. >> ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU

CHOOSE AGAIN? >> IS THAT CARDI B ON CASE

EIGHT? >> THAT'S ALEXANDRIA

OCASIO-CORTEZ. >> THAT'S OKAY.

THEY ARE JUST TERRIFIED OF ME BECAUSE I'M UNDER 100 AND I

UNDERSTAND HOW TO USE INSTAGRAM. MITCH McCONNELL IS ALREADY "BIRD

BOX"ING. >> CORY BOOKER?

>> BOOKER 2020. >> OH, MY GOD, NOT ANOTHER ONE.

>> CONGRESSMAN STEVE KING FROM IOWA.

>> WHITES. >> AT LEAST THE GUY IS

CONSISTENT. ALL RIGHT, WAIT A SECOND.

THIS TIME IT IS CARDI B. >> THIS AIN'T MY BUSINESS, BUT

SH-MONEY. >> THIS GOVERNMENT GOING TO BE

SHUT DOWN FOR LIKE A YEAR. LET'S TAKE A BREAK.

>> I WANT TO OPEN THE CASE FROM THE CLEMSON FOOTBALL PLAYER.

THAT'S A CRAVE CASE FROM WHITE CASTLE.

>> WHAT? YOU ARE ENDING THE SHUT DOWN FOR

A HAMBERDER? OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS ANYONE GOING ON THESE DIES AND

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!