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What To Do When You Are Married But Separated & Have Children - YouTube
Channel: Marriage Helper
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If you and your spouse are separated,
but you have children together.
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Then this video is for you.
My name is Kimberly Holmes.
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I'm the CEO at marriage helper.
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And when I was getting my
master's degree in psychology,
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I did my final thesis on how
divorce and separation of
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parents affects children.
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And today's video is not going to be all
inclusive. Everything you need to know,
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because to be completely honest with you,
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there are thousands of different research
studies that I don't even have time to
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read. Every single one of them, much
less tell you about all of the outcomes,
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but I do want to share
with you three key things,
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plus one bonus item that
you do not want to miss.
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So be sure to stick around.
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But first I want to encourage
you to subscribe to our channel.
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We are releasing new relevant
relationship information every single
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week, multiple days a week.
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So be sure that you subscribe so that
you'll know every time we do and hit the
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bell to be notified in your email or when
you're on YouTube so that you can get
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the latest videos immediately so that you
can begin to apply them and see change
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in your life. I also want to know in
the comments below, be sure to tell me,
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what is it that you are experiencing
in your marriage when it comes to your
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kids?
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So what are some of the frustrations or
problems that you've run into in trying
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to co-parent while separated or
just issues involving childcare or
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support or things like that.
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We want to know what you are struggling
with so that we can make even more
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information and videos
available to you on YouTube.
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So remember to subscribe and comment
below the first thing that you
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need to understand as a parent,
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when you're going through a separation
or you and your spouse are already
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separated,
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is that it's already an
emotional toll on you as a human,
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as the husband, or as the wife,
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you are already having to
experience a lot of the
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things, the emotions that
come with separation before,
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even thinking about your kids,
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you as a human being are having to deal
with and go through a lot right now.
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So be sure to give yourself
grace and realize that
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you are probably more
irritated than normal,
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more frustrated than
normal angrier than normal,
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or maybe Sater lonelier and
more depressed than normal.
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And while that is important for you to
realize for yourself so that you can be
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self aware and find support
in order to help you.
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You also need to realize how that
might be affecting your children.
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There's a lot of different things
that go on when you are separated.
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Like I just said, you have the parts
of you that are the relational parts.
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This is your marriage
that is on the rocks.
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It's taking a toll on you as
a human being and you need the
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time to be able to heal and go through
that and feel the emotions that you feel.
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I feel at the same time, you
have the, these little ones,
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no matter how old they are, when you're
a parent, always your little ones,
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you have these people who are looking
to you for support and emotional
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guidance.
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One thing that we know from psychology
is that when children are young,
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I mean babies as young
as right out of the womb.
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And they begin to have object permanence
where they see their parent and they
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recognize that too. It is.
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They begin to look to the parent for
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how they're supposed
to react to situations.
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So they begin to look at the parent
when they fall and scrape their knee,
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they immediately look at mom or dad.
And if mom or dad are freaking out,
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then the child is going to freak out
because that is where they are getting
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their self basis on how they're
supposed to be responding in the world.
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They are learning it from you as the
parent. It starts when they're young,
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it continues even until they are adults.
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It's still something where we,
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whether we realize it or not
look to our parents to see,
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are they worried about
this? Are they upset?
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Are they happy when this
is happening? And if so,
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then I reflect that emotion. Your
kids are doing the same to you.
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When you're going through a separation,
your kids are looking to you.
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If you are frustrated, angry, sad,
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terrified, worried, then they are
going to take those emotions on too.
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I'm not saying that you need to try and
shove all of your feelings and emotions
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down and just March forward
as if nothing has happened.
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But there has to be this soft middle
ground that you end up landing
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in,
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where you're able to go to the right
people for support and encouragement for
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the relational issues that you're
going through for your loneliness,
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for your anger, for the, for those
feelings that you're feeling.
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But you're not bringing that into
your home for your children to
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see. Now, I'm not saying that they
don't see you sad. I think that's okay.
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But if they are always seeing you
sad and they begin to worry about
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their future, they are being affected
with their schoolwork or their job.
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They're not able to focus. They're
just constantly worried about you.
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Then it's going to take a
toll on them emotionally.
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So be sure you're not looking to your
children to be your emotional support
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during this time. Find another
adult to help you do that. Now,
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quick tip there. If you're going to
be looking to another adult for that,
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then try not to make it a
friend or family member.
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That's going to speak
negatively about your partner.
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And here's why, because you don't
need any more negativity in your life.
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You need to find someone who understands,
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especially if you are still
wanting your marriage to be saved.
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Someone who understands that someone
who supports you in that decision and
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someone who's going to give you guidance
and encouragement based off of that.
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Now you could find a counselor
or a therapist. And again,
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I encourage you to find a really great
reviews for people before you do that.
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But you could also get one
of our marriage helper,
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coaches that are certified
by us at marriage helper.
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They will help you
stand for your marriage,
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encourage and coach you to do things
that will help you move in that way and
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give you that emotional individual support
that you're needing during this time.
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If you do decide to find
a support group are saved.
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My marriage course has an amazing
support group that goes along with it.
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It's a secret Facebook community. So
people can't even see that you're in it.
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And you are automatically
connected with a thousand,
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1500 other people who
have walked in your shoes,
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experienced what you have experienced,
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but all are wanting to save
and stand for their marriage.
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So you have a support
group built in right there.
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If you want to know more about
the save my marriage course,
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be sure to click the link in the video
or look below in the description.
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And you can find all of the
links that you need there.
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So realizing that you don't need to be
leaning onto your children for emotional
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support.
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Here is the first tip that I'm
going to give you for how to
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deal and navigate separation. When
you have children, number one is,
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do not bash your spouse
in front of your children.
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If you do that, it's like you're turning
to your kids for emotional support.
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You're beginning.
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So then to them open up to them about
things that maybe they shouldn't be privy
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to know about. Now,
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I'm not saying that you keep things
from your children that are happening in
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your marriage to an extent you do,
but clearly, if your spouse is gone,
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then they're going to know that.
And they do deserve an explanation,
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but not an explanation with
accusation. That is the key difference.
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There it is still your
child's mother or father,
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and will be for the rest of them lives
no matter what happens in your marriage.
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Therefore you need to treat
your spouse with respect.
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When you talk about them in front of
your children, when they're not there,
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when they are there any time,
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if you're talking to other people about
your spouse and your kids can hear you,
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then you need to be speaking
well, well of your spouse.
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And that does not mean that you are
approving of everything that they're doing
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or that you're just sitting
on the sidelines silently
while they let their lives
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go up in flames, whatever that looks like,
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what it does look like is
that you use your words
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wisely about how you
speak about your spouse.
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And there's another reason
and another layer for this,
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which is when you and your
spouse hopefully do reconcile.
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Do you really want those words that you
have said about your spouse behind or in
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front of closed doors to come
back to them, for them to hear,
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which is just going to cause another
layer of mess that you're going to have to
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clean up later. You probably don't think
very highly of your spouse right now.
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And you probably have a lot of choice
words that you would like to say to them.
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And I'm not saying that you're
wrong for that. It's human nature.
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And it's completely understandable.
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What I am saying is that you don't share
all of your colorful thoughts and ideas
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about your spouse in front of your
children. It is your children's father.
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It is your children's mother,
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and they need to be able to love
them and to go to them and to not
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feel like they have to choose who they
should love or who their allegiance lies
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with within their parents in
psychology. It's called triangulation.
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When you begin to put the child in
between you and your spouse and the child
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automatically feels like
they have to make a choice,
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it is extremely negative for the child.
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It leads to a lot of issues that they
have to deal with later on in life.
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So don't do it.
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And if you have been doing it now is a
great time to go back to your kids and
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say the things that I've said about your
father or the things I've said about
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your mother have been wrong of me. They
are your father, they're your mother.
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And I know that you love
them. I love them as a human,
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even though I am not happy with some
of the things that they are doing right
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now,
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but I do want to speak well of them and
see the good and positive things about
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them. That's one way that you can clear
that up now. And the second point,
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which goes right in line with what we're
talking about already is don't make
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your kids feel like they have to choose.
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Don't make your kids feel like if
they want to go and spend time with
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their father on Easter weekend,
that they are going to hurt you.
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And therefore they don't know
who they have to choose instead,
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make it very easy for your children to
be able to express their wants their
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needs. When they want to go and
spend time with your spouse,
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with their other parent,
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make sure they feel like they can come
to you and tell you that so that they
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don't feel like they're
always having to choose.
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Make sure that you're making it easy for
them to choose whether or not they want
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to spend time with one of you. And that
you're not making them feel bad for it.
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That you're making sure that you encourage
that they spend as much time as they
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can, or as much time as they want to
with their father or with their mother,
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encourage for them to call their
mom or their dad encouraged for
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FaceTime,
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for visits for the other spouse
to come to soccer games or dance
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recitals never make it feel
like your child has to choose.
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I've heard so many brides talk about how
much they dread their wedding day and
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how for many of them,
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it was the worst day of their lives
because they had divorced parents and
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they didn't know who to choose
to spend time with that day.
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Don't let that be your child's
future. In order for that to happen,
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there's going to have to be a
period of forgiveness for you.
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I'm sure where you forgive the
situation that has happened.
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You forgive your spouse
for what has happened.
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And you personally come to the place
where you are okay with being in the same
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room as them, because here is the truth.
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No matter what happens with your
marriage and marriage helper,
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we want it to be saved,
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but you're still always going to be
a co-parent with that other person.
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And there are always going to be the
parent to your son or your daughter.
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So how can you look longterm now say,
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I want my child to have
the best possible future,
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no matter what happens in our
marriage and act in ways that lead
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to that starting now,
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it might mean having to keep your
mouth shut more than you want to.
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It may mean difficult decisions,
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and it may mean that there are times
where you are hurt because your child does
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want to spend Christmas day
with their mom this year,
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or they do want to spend
Thanksgiving with dad.
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Don't take that out on your child, please.
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The third point is this be emotionally
and physically available for
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your children just as you are going
through a loss and a period of confusion
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right now in your own life, your
children are experiencing it as well.
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It is very common for
children. No matter the age,
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to wonder if they had a part to
play in their parents' relationship
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dissolution, or basically in the
separation or end of a marriage,
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they're scared a child's worst fear.
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And I don't think they ever outgrow it
is that they will lose their mother or
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their father or both of them. And when
a separation or a divorce happens,
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it is a form of loss. Even
though the person is still alive,
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it is still a change in an
expected routine and behavior.
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And therefore your child may
react to it and grieve it the
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same way that they would grieve
a larger loss in their lives.
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So be aware of that and just like you
need support, your kids need support.
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So be sure that you make yourself
emotionally available to them,
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for them to come to you and tell them
for them to come to you and tell you how
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they're feeling without you trying to
attack them or bash your spouse or any of
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those things in the middle of it,
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but also be physically
available as much as you can.
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And I understand that you now may
be having to work more than one job,
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or maybe you've never worked
before and now you are,
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and you're just trying to make ends meet.
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And you have no idea how you can
fit one more thing in your life.
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And I'm sorry that that is what's
going on for you right now.
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Don't make yourself feel bad about it.
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But as much as you can be a
physical presence to your children,
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hug them, hold them,
give them human touch.
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That's one of the most soothing
things that you can do,
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and it will help them process what
they're going through right now,
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but also understand that your children
may need external people in their lives
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to be there for them. A youth,
pastor, family, and friends,
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maybe even some friends,
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parents that you trust
and think are really great
mentors and resources for your
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kid. Encourage those
relationships to happen too.
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It may be easier for your child to talk
to someone that's not you because they
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might fear hurting your feelings,
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or they may fear that they
are having to get into that.
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Having to choose mentality
between the two of you.
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So understand that they're not
choosing other people over you,
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but when you are encouraging your
child to be the best they can,
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and to get help when they need it,
may are going to remember that.
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And it's going to be a huge benefit
to your relationship and your
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investment in them as your child and
your future relationship to them or with
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them than you even know. Now,
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never give up time with
your children because you're
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scared that it might
make your spouse angry.
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Many of our coaches at marriage helper
have had clients ask this question and
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I've seen people in our audience
ask the same question, which is,
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should I fight for 50 50 custody?
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If my spouse is really
fighting me against it,
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and I'm wanting my spouse to not
be mad at me. So basically saying,
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should I give up time with my children,
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forfeit my rights to have
50 50 custody just so I can
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appease my spouse. And therefore,
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maybe they'll be happy with me
and then maybe they'll come back.
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And the answer is, no,
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you should never give up time with
your children because you're trying to
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appease your spouse or
to not make them angry.
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They're going to be angry no matter what.
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And you should never give up time with
your kids that you may never be able to
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get back. Just trying
to save your marriage.
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I do believe that the relationship
between a husband and a wife is the most
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important relationship in
a family. That being said,
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when a marriage is on the rocks,
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you shouldn't devalue your children.
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You should not put them at a lesser
degree of importance to you in order
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to just try and save this marriage,
because if it were not to work out,
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then you have lost that time with
your kids indefinitely and it's not
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worth it. Also fighting for 50 50.
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Custody is part of the consequences of
your spouse's actions for what they're
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doing. So instead of thinking, I don't
want to make them mad, be thinking,
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what is it that are the
natural consequences of their
actions that I should let
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them experience and let that be?
What is guiding your decision?
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Now I know that is a lot to think about.
And there's a lot that goes into that.
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You may have a ton of questions right now.
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I encourage you to get connected with
one of our marriage helper coaches who
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would be able to guide you
through what this looks like and,
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and answer your specific questions.
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If you're in that kind of
situation where you're saying,
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I understand the principles, but
here's my specific situation.
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And I need to know what
to do in my situation.
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Our coaches won't tell you what to do,
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but they're amazing at asking you
questions so that you can come to the best
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solutions for you and your situation.
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They also help you see things from
multiple angles, different perspectives,
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so that you can be sure to realize the
longterm impacts of something that you
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might do before you do it, and then
end up making the wrong choice.
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I highly recommend them. So to
summarize your kids need you.
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And I know that you need support too.
That's why we at marriage helper exists.
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We have the save my marriage course
that you can join from anywhere in the
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world, go through the videos
on your own time, the videos,
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which will teach you exactly what
you need to know to navigate this
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very difficult circumstance
in your life. Right now,
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we also have a special section in there
talking about how to deal with kids,
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how to navigate what kind of attorney
to use when to get an attorney,
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what to say to your attorney, all of
those kinds of things that are special,
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add ons that you can get with the save
my marriage course that will really help
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you understand what to do in your
specific situation. And like I said,
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we have our coaching. What we're best
known for also is our turn around weekend.
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And you might be thinking we're separated.
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There's no way my spouse is going
to agree to do a weekend long
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turnaround workshop with me.
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And I understand we hear that from the
majority of people that contact us about
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it,
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but we also know the value of what
we talk about in our workshop and how
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it applies, whether you're
separated, divorcing,
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and it's extremely important for you to
learn the principles that we teach in
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our workshops. If you're going to
be co-parents even after divorce,
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you may be surprised that your spouse
may agree to attend with you because they
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do also want to be great. Co-parents
to your children, with you.
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If you want to know
more about any of those,
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then you can go to marriage helper.com.
You can always call our office at
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(866) 903-0990. But remember,
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we want you to be the best that you can
to be the best wife or husband that you
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can be, but also to be the best
mom or dad, that you can be.
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The things that we teach you in any of
our courses will help you to do just
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that.
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But my big takeaway from this
video are you is be there for
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your children.
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They need a strong presence
in their life right now,
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a stable presence in their
life right now, they need you.
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