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Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue - SNL - YouTube
Channel: Saturday Night Live
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DAVE CHAPPELLE!
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♪♪♪
♪♪♪
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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THANK YOU AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, BEEN A LONG TIME.
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IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
SO PLEASE BE PATIENT.
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YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
DONALD TRUMP WAS GOING TO WIN
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THE ELECTION.
I DID SUSPECT IT.
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SEEMED LIKE HILLARY WAS DOING
WELL IN THE POLLS AND YET -- I
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KNOW THE WHITES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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YOU GUYS AREN'T AS SURPRISED AS
YOU USED TO BE.
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AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL OF
BLACK AMERICA WHEN I SAY THAT WE
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ARE ALL PRAYING FOR AMEROSA.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE'S
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DOING IN THE NEWS.
BUT AMERICA'S DONE IT.
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WE'VE ACTUALLY ELECTED AN
INTERNET TROLL AS OUR PRESIDENT.
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THE WHITES ARE SERIOUS.
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
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HAVEN'T SEEN WHITES THIS MAD
SINCE O.J.
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SCREAMING WHITE PEOPLE ON BOTH
SIDES, AAHHH!
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I'M NOT SAYING I'M ENJOYING IT,
I'M JUST SAYING I'VE NEVER SEEN
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THIS BEFORE.
I WATCHED A WHITE RIOT IN
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PORTLAND, OREGON, ON TELEVISION
THE OTHER NIGHT.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
NEWS SAID THEY DID A MILLION
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DOLLARS' WORTH OF DAMAGE.
EVERY BLACK PERSON WATCHING WAS
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LIKE, AMATEURS.
I'M STAYING OUT OF IT.
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IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE KAEPERNICK
AND LET THE WHITES FIGURE THIS
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OUT AMONGST THEMSELVES.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
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WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, WE'VE
BEEN HERE BEFORE.
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HOW MANY OF YOU THINK IT'S THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING WE'RE
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DEALING WITH?
DON'T FORGET.
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DON'T FORGET ALL THE THINGS THAT
ARE GOING ON.
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SHOOTINGS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
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ALL THESE SHOOTINGS THE LAST
YEAR.
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THE WORST MASS SHOOTINGS IN THE
HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES.
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PULSE NIGHTCLUB WHICH SHE SAID
ISIS DID.
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TURNED OUT THAT WASN'T EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.
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THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED, THEN ISIS
IS SCARIER THAN I THOUGHT,
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BECAUSE THEY HAVE VERY DEEP
COVER OPERATIVES.
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GOING OUT DEEP FOR THIS ONE, I
MIGHT HAVE TO GET A GRINDER
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ACCOUNT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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BUMP A FEW GUYS OFF TO THROW
THEM OFF THE TRAIL.
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WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE LEDGED
ALLEGIANCE TO ISIS BEFORE HE DID
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WHAT HE DID.
WHICH IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING
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IN ISIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE I WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX
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WITH A GIRL, RIGHT BEFORE I DID
I SCREAMED OUT WUTANG.
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THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M IN THE
WU-TANG CLAN.
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THAT JUST MEANS I'M SHOUTING
WUTANG OUT.
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MORE SHOOTINGS THAN I CAN
LITERALLY COUNT.
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YOU CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE GODDAMN
ZOO WITHOUT SEEING SHOOTING OUT
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THERE.
THEY SHOT A GORILLA AT MY LOCAL
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ZOO.
THE CINCINNATI POLICE SAID
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SHOOTING THAT GORILLA WAS THE
TOUGHEST DECISION ITS DEPARTMENT
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EVER HAD TO MAKE.
I SAID, YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE A
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LOT OF N -- IN GORILLA COSTUMES
THEN.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
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WHY DO WE HAVE TO SAY THAT?
WHY DO WE HAVE TO SAY THAT BLACK
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LIVES MATTER?
NOW I ADMIT THAT IS NOT THE BEST
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SLOGAN.
BUT McDONALD'S ALREADY TOOK, YOU
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DESERVE A BREAK TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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AND I GUESS IT'S KIND OF CATCHY
BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS BITING
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IT.
EVEN THE POLICE BITE IT.
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BLUE LIVES MATTER.
WHAT, WAS YOU BORN A POLICE?
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THAT IS NOT A BLUE LIFE, IT'S A
BLUE SUIT.
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YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
TAKE THAT BLUE SUIT OFF, FIND A
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NEW JOB.
IF I COULD QUIT BEING BLACK
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TODAY, I'D BE OUT OF THE GAME.
THAT IS THE NEXT BEST THING, I
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BECAME A RICH BLACK PERSON.
WHICH IS HARDER THAN YOU'D
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THINK.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW.
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YOUR LIFE BECOMES GENTRIFIED.
LIKE BROOKLYN.
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ALL YOUR BLACK FRIENDS START
MOVING OUT, ALL THESE NEW WHITE
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FRIENDS START MOVING IN.
YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING THINGS
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TO FRIENDS YOU GREW UP WITH THAT
YOU NEVER DREAMED YOU'D SAY.
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SORRY, YOU CAN'T COME WITH US,
ONLY ENOUGH ROOM IN THE BALLOON
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BASKET FOR FOUR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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DONALD TRUMP, HE DID IT.
HE'S OUR PRESIDENT.
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I FEEL BAD SAYING IT.
I'M STAYING AT THE TRUMP HOTEL
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RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S GOING TO
MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT BUT HE
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MAKES A SWELL HOTEL SUITE, I
TELL YOU THAT.
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HOUSEKEEPING COMES IN IN THE
MORNING, CLEANS MY ROOM.
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GOOD MORNING, HOUSEKEEPING.
GRAB A BIG HANDFUL OF PUSSY.
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BOSS SAID IT WAS OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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SORRY ABOUT THAT, LORNE.
ALL MY BLACK FRIENDS WHO HAVE
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MONEY SAID THE SAME THING WHEN
TRUMP GOT ELECTED.
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THAT'S IT, BRO, I'M OUT.
I'M LEAVING THE COUNTRY.
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I DO COMING WITH US?
NO, I'M GOOD, I'M GOING TO GET
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THIS TAX BREAK, SEE HOW IT WORKS
OUT.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S HOW IT IS BEING DAVE
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CHAPPELLE.
FIRST TIME I GOT SOME MONEY,
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DIDN'T WORK OUT LIKE THIS.
MOST UNLIKELY THING HAPPENED
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EVER, A BLACK PRESIDENT CAME OUT
OF NOWHERE.
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COME ON EVERYBODY, LET'S START
THINKING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE.
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I JUST GOT THIS MONEY!
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE!
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TRUMP WENT TO GO SEE OBAMA LAST
WEEK, SEE THAT?
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YEAH.
YOU SEE TRUMP'S FACE WHEN HE
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CAME OUT OF THE MEETING?
TRUMP GOT SONNED.
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HE LOOKED SHOOK.
LOOKED LIKE HE GOT SHOOK.
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PROBABLY CAME IN THERE, HOW ARE
YOU, MR. PRESIDENT?
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GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HELLO, DONALD.
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HOW YOU FEELING?
OH, GOD.
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GOT TO TELL YOU, THIS JOB LOOKS
LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT
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HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.
REALLY?
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IT'S NOT THAT HARD, AT LEAST YOU
GET TO BE WHITE WHILE YOU'RE
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DOING IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M JUST SAYING, I'M A LITTLE
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NERVOUS.
NERVOUS?
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COME ON MAN, RELAX, YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN MET THE ALIENS YET, IT'S
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GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING TO
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DO.
BUT I KNOW OBAMA DID A GOOD JOB.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OBAMA DID A GOOD JOB.
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I THINK WE'LL ALL MISS HIM WHEN
HE'S GONE.
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DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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AND THANK GOD HE LIVED TO TELL
ABOUT IT.
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THIS IS THE FIRST BLACK DUDE
THAT EVER HEARD AMERICA'S
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SECRETS.
AND I'M HAPPY HE LIVED.
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IF -- IF SOMEONE THREATENED OUR
PRESIDENT, THAT IS THE ONLY TIME
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THAT I'D WANT HIM TO BE STEREO
TYPICALLY BLACK.
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HE'D BE ON THE NEWS LIKE, AN
ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT WAS
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CARRIED OUT TODAY ON THE
PRESIDENT.
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IN A BIZARRE SERIES OF EVENTS,
THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF WAS ARMED.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
FIRED BACK.
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KILLING FOUR PEOPLE THAT HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE INCIDENT.
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HE THEN RIPPED OFF HIS SHIRT,
SCREAMED OUT "CHI-TOWN" FOR SOME
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REASON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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YOU KNOW, BEFORE I GO, I DO WANT
TO SAY ONE THING.
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THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
BUT I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT
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I SAY THIS.
BECAUSE THEY'RE MARCHING UP THE
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STREET RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK.
A FEW WEEKS AGO I WENT TO THE
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WHITE HOUSE FOR A PARTY.
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN
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THERE IN MANY YEARS.
AND IT WAS VERY EXCITING.
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AND B.E.T. SPONSORED THE PARTY.
SO EVERYONE THERE WAS BLACK.
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AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I WALKED THROUGH THE GATES.
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I'M FROM WASHINGTON, SO I SAW
THE BUS STOP, THE CORNER WHERE
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THE BUS STOP USED TO BE.
WHERE I USED TO CATCH THE BUS TO
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SCHOOL AND DREAM ABOUT NIGHTS
LIKE TONIGHT.
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IT WAS A REALLY, REALLY
BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.
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AT THE END OF THE NIGHT EVERYONE
WENT INTO THE WEST WING OF THE
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WHITE HOUSE AND IT WAS A HUGE
PARTY.
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AND EVERYBODY IN THERE WAS
BLACK.
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EXCEPT FOR BRADLEY COOPER, FOR
SOME REASON.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
AND ON THE WALLS WERE PICTURES
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OF ALL THE PRESIDENTS.
OF THE PAST.
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NOW, I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS
TRUE, BUT TO MY KNOWLEDGE THE
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FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT THAT WAS
OFFICIALLY INVITED TO THE WHITE
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HOUSE WAS FREDERICK DOUGLASS.
THEY STOPPED HIM AT THE GATES.
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ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAD TO WALK OUT
HIMSELF AND ESCORT FREDERICK
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DOUGLASS INTO THE WHITE HOUSE.
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN AGAIN AS FAR AS
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I KNOW UNTIL ROOSEVELT WAS
PRESIDENT.
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ROOSEVELT WAS PRESIDENT, HE HAD
A BLACK GUY OVER.
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AND GOT SO MUCH FLACK FROM THE
MEDIA THAT HE LITERALLY SAID, I
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WILL NEVER HAVE A N -- IN THIS
HOUSE AGAIN.
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I THOUGH ABOUT THAT, LOOKED AT
THAT BLACK ROOM, SAY ALL THOSE
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BLACK FACES AND BRADLEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
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AND I SAW HOW HAPPY EVERYBODY
WAS.
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THESE PEOPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HISTORICALLY DISENFRANCHISED.
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IT MADE ME FEEL HOPEFUL AND IT
MADE ME FEEL PROUD TO BE AN
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AMERICAN AND IT MADE ME VERY
HAPPY ABOUT THE PROSPECTS OF OUR
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COUNTRY.
SO, IN THAT SPIRIT, I'M WISHING
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DONALD TRUMP LUCK.
AND I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM A
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CHANCE.
AND WE, THE HISTORICALLY
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DISENFRANCHISED, DEMAND THAT HE
GIVE US ONE TOO.
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A TRIBE
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CALLED QUEST IS IN THE BUILDING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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DON'T GO ANYWHERE, WE WILL BE
RIGHT BACK!
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪
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